Alright

Okay

Fuck.

So, I bombed tonight… on the last show I’m in before Christmas. I was for sure I’d come up with something since I loved her so much. My Stepmom died last weekend. I was sure I had something, Christmas show, I was ready.

Everyone else I saw did well. Some good.

If I am correct I went 14th out of 15 tonight. It wasn’t great. It gets that late and you think, last isn’t bad. But second to last was not kind to me tonight.

Everyone else found their rhythm.

I got up there. I’m not even kidding- I was lost in the woods.

It was so bad.

I told them my Stepmother was dead like I was confessing to her murder.

That one hurts me so bad.

So bad.

I could have said, “so my mom died” and it technically wouldn’t be a lie as she was my Mom from 2nd grade through Senior Year.

Eventually She and my Father divorced but She is still who she was. I called her “Mama”, not to betray my own Mother but to honor Peggy. I love my Mother. More than anyone. I love my Father and my Stepmother equally. I love my Father like my Mother, Peggy never got any credit for making our lives better.

Okay.

So a woman I loved very much isn’t with the living anymore. And it hurt.

She was dying for a very long time. Yes, her being out of pain makes it easier. I’m worried af about my Dad.

It wasn’t fighting my mental state, as soon as I got up there I knew I wasn’t in control. More specifically, exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. I fought it. I did get a few laughs, I reckon. I couldn’t get ahold of it tonight. I touched it for a second and it slipped away.

I’m behaving-

Screw that one guy for smiling and not laughing-Like, at the Christmas show Bitch, really? – that is a joke I’m just mad he didn’t laugh at my joke. It’s fine. AMF. All My Fault. I said “I thought I was sexy with a big head but you are sexy with a big head.” And he smiled, and didn’t laugh. It was better than an eye-roll, I guess. Whatever. Like it was his fault. We’ll get there.

-Sorry my Mommy died. Losing parents and such.

It just didn’t happen tonight.

Other performers were being nice to me afterwards it was disgusting. Another joke. I like people

being nice, I hate being a bloody mess. I really wanted to rock tonight.

I don’t wanna think about this anymore tonight.

That one hurts. Did I tell you my Christmas plans fell through at the last minute? YESTERDAY. No yeah it was great.

I’m done.

Goddamn it, that was terrible. Fucking terrible.

I know it’s been too long since I’ve been here.

If I don’t see you before, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Happy New Year. Blessings to you all.

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Published by Chanzy

He's a mess. What else?

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