Was a lazy week for me. It being the last week of winter I really wanted to soak it in and thankfully, I was able too. It was lovely.
Things are waking up and as wonderful as Winter was this year, I am hopeful for Spring. Even summer looks good to me right now.
The last few years I’ve just been trying to mange. I wouldn’t re-live last year for a billion dollars. Last year is irrelevant now, buddy-ros. We’re gonna have a good year, is what we’re gonna do.
I’m looking forward to my birthday again, which is normal for me. Hope you are too.
On with it now,
I am happy you are here. Whoever you are. I wanted to wish everyone a happy St. Patrick’s Day to feel close to my ancestors but I got baked apples instead. Irish I hadn’t said that. I hope your surroundings make you happy. I hope the air is good and the sky is beautiful.
OOOOOOK. Last one
Last one you are getting tonight.
I hope it is cold on my birthday in the dead-ass middle of Summer. I love the cold, I am going to miss the cold- this year looks good. This year smells like a mountain top. I want every good thing this year has to offer. I am excited. I hope that wherever you are you are happy. We should all be excited.
Tonight, I hosted my first comedy show. Technically, I was a cohost. The main host, Beth Tomkins (True Grit Comedy) opened the show and then ran things from the back while I kept things going from the stage. I thought I was just opening, so it was a thrill to get to do my thing throughout the show.
First of all, Happy Women’s Day!!! YAY FOR WOMEN!!!! My favorite part of the show tonight was a run of three comics that brought the freaking thunder- Rowan, Brandi, and JoAnna. (Who I called JOANNE!!! IT WAS TERRIBLE. I KNEW I was going to mess up one name at least. It was nerves.) It was so wonderful, women made the show what it was tonight.
Not that the guys didn’t bring it- Andrew, Art, Kristopher, Shockley and Jeff had me cracking up. Madison also. Wish Cool Breeze was there tonight.
Everyone did great. I can’t remember everything right now, but it was kickass. I’m not just saying this to make an event I was part of seem better- everyone did so well tonight. I really enjoyed being able to watch people got at it up there. People kept saying my name and it was lovely, but it was nice to play a different part tonight. It’s not easy for me to socialize all the time, tonight it didn’t feel forced. My main hope is that I made the performers feel comfortable.
Oh my god!-Did I tell you my Husband performed?! Oh, my GOD, it was great. It was so wonderful to have Him there, but then Him get on stage and perform? …damn that made me happy. It feels like we are getting somewhere.
There is so much more to talk about, tonight was such a fucking good night.
I was afraid no one would show up.
So, the title is a Hostess joke, about Twinkies, as I am beginning to wonder when I will have access to groupies-What I meant to say was, I’m wondering when I’ll have an audience. Who even likes twinks??-with their creamy smooth- LISTEN I AM TIREDAND NEED TO GO TO SLEEP, THANK YOU! That is a joke. I don’t actually what people to try and sleep with me but I want them to want to, you know what I mean? Whatever!!!
Tonight’s Episode will be from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Season 3 (my favorite)
Episode 9- The Wish. First Anya Episode. We love her.
“How do you know the other world is any better than this?”
“Because, it has to be…”
He wants to be Buffy but he is a total Faith.
Love You Guys, Hope you are well. Gonna spend some time being nice to myself because I deserve it. Be Good to Yourself,
I’m so sorry it has taken me so long to get back here.
Obviously, we are in full transition from Winter to Spring, wherever you are I hope the weather is pleasant. It is crazy that we are already a week into March.
Last week was pretty decent. I do have good news, but I am waiting until after the event to talk about it. I’m trying to behave.
I will say that this year has felt different (better) than the last few years. I don’t remember the last time Deep Winter and then Late Winter have been so good. Last year was challenging. The last few years have been busted. We have had missteps dealing with the horrors of life, but this year feels like we are healing and becoming stronger.
I stayed up to write this- I hope you are doing well and are having a good year. Thinking of you.
Tonight We are watching Black Butler- Book of Atlantic.
I performed, and it was wonderful. This week I performed, and it was not wonderful.
Tonight, the crowd at the venue was not in the mood to laugh. At all. I’m not sure what was going on there. I think- even though I hate to say this because I don’t know this is true and I have no clue of the makeup of the audience- that it wasn’t my crowd. But, even so, they had high expectations. I don’t know why. I did my best, same as always- I just couldn’t get there tonight. I got a laugh at the start and a laugh at the end. They were so fucking mean lovely tonight. It was so dreadful I had to leave afterwards.
I’m tired, you guys. I’m trying to keep up with the pace of our life, stay on top of office work, and continue performing. It’s all important, and I’m doing my best. Not to mention trying my best to keep this site as updated as possible.
Until I get back on stage and “do my thing, ” I will feel like shit. I knew better, my little alarm went off, but it was unavoidable; I wasn’t giving up my spot. Nothing can be done.
People laughed. When I came off stage, the people gave me the “you’re funny” look… I know I should be grateful. If I don’t get at least a few big laughs or one long laugh, I feel like shit. Thank god I didn’t start singing. That would’ve been fabulous.
I know I started this piece blaming the audience, which was projection. I did get laughs, but they came from all over and no groups laughed together. I couldn’t get everyone laughing in unison, and that hurt. It is exhaustion—this time.
I’ve had a very good (and stimulating) Winter. I didn’t overdo it today, but it wasn’t enough. Probably should’ve taken a nap. I hate myself right now. I feel useless because performing is one of the only things I can point to as one of my talents.
I wanted to stay, I really did, I couldn’t do it tonight. Sometimes you gotta go. There were other acts I wanted to see tonight but I couldn’t hold out. I don’t think anyone missed me once I was out. He said, full of self-hatred. It’s fine, I’m tired. Love you guys.
Tonight’s Episode will be Return of Callisto, Season 2 Episode 5 followed by Ten Little Warlords.
Just Let Me Sleep Tonight. Insomnia has practically gone away.
Torso sits at about 49″ when I am not sucking in. It’s muscle… I know… and it still makes me look fat, thank you noticing. Particularly in clothes. These love handles were what messed up that calculation… I’m done. I’m sorry for the excuse, I know, I’m trying, thank you for-your-concern.
Besides my huge stomach and my fat face I’m pretty freaking thrilled. I’m proud of myself. More important than anything, I’ve been feeling much better, which is nice.
I need to lose another 40ish pounds of fat. I’m “Supposed” to weigh no more than 150. Which is a “normal” chart for people with different bodies. F that thing.
I’m molting. You guys know he’s molting? Because he is Molting.
I have had to work SO hard for SO long because I slacked off for about a year and a half. 7 months just to get back to “kinda okay” with weight to lose and muscle to gain. -Fuck- Me– –Running. It’s alright. I’m so effing ready. Show me what you got.
DAMN I hope the world doesn’t blow up before I can get my freak back on (and this time forever). This one will be good I think… Just… trying not to lose my hair. I think I’ll be alright. If it does go my head is cute. A bitch would rather have hair though.
I am WAY overdue on reading here.
Do the best you can. Be yourself. You’re fantastic.
Last nights Episode was A Family Affair Season 4 Episode 3. Followed by In Sickness and in Hell.
The trick is you gotta watch most of the movie through the “busted” horror filter. Where you know it’s bad but that’s why it’s great. And the ending was great. That sex scene was *not* okay. Ethan Hawke was in a SUIT! WHAT WAS THAT?!
Not. EVEN. A. BACK SHOT.
DON’T WATCH IT!
Unless you want to have fun in a mean girl way.
We ended up watching a Fantasmic episode of The Morning Show. I feel like 2007 Jen Anniston would love us for that. Always been on her side of that bit of history. I loved her more, and hoped she’d find a way to overcome it. I always loved her. Glad she done so much. Love Reese Witherspoon, my whole life.
I hope this year has been good to you and continues to bring you joy. We are already a month in, how crazy is that?
Don’t watch Taking Lives.
Right now we are watching Golden Girls Season 4 Episode 19- “Till Death Do We Volley“. He is almost out then im changing it to Xena. Probably a comedic episode. Will update.
Update-Tonight’s Episode is You Are There (Season 6 Episode 13) a freakshow 1/2 Xena 1/2 TMZ, it is a mess.
First of all I thought I deleted he previous blog after I “got it out” as they say. I’m in the middle of writing about my childhood and it all just comes out whenever it wants.
Alright. We have been just getting though January, right? Okay.
Things are the same and different. Things are better. Last year was as big a turd as 2021. Since I like the number 2 I thought 2020 and 2022 would be good for me and they were not. Working on my shit and getting better.
I’m finally back down to a better weight, seeing results from my workouts again. You gotta exercise. Love Yourself. The only time I ever felt worth anything was when I was in shape. I’ve got a long way to go but I am headed in the right direction and never going back. For those of you who don’t know or don’t remember, I lost over 120 pounds over the course of about 6 years. I did it the right way, the hard way. My diet is still not where it was when I was eating healthy, but I’m trying. Been trying. That being said, I had a cheeseburger and a pizza today. And hot chocolate. Moving on. It really is better.
My Stepmother died in December. It has been odd. I thought I was going to weep for days when she passed on, but I’ve just been in a daze. Frankly, my life was so chaotic when I found out she was gone I immediately knew that with everything else going on that I couldn’t handle it, so I just let it be. It’ll be whatever it is. Crying is the most likely thing I would do but my Stepmother dying has been complicated. Possibly more on that later.
Instead of making any proclamation about the way this year will turn out I’m going to feel blessed to have ever been alive for any amount of time. The year of manic gratitude. None of us have to be here. But we are and it is amazing.
There has never been a better time to be alive. Eat something delicious, get good sleep tonight and wake up refreshed. Be good to yourself.
Will be here more in the coming weeks. Miss you guys.
Oh!!! And it HASN’T BEEN COLD ENOUGH THIS YEAR AND I MAKES ME HATE EVERY-THING! I’m sorry, he did not mean that he is disappointed it hasn’t snowed more and it shouldn’t be so freaking hot at the end of January, but alright. It’s alright.
So, I bombed tonight… on the last show I’m in before Christmas. I was for sure I’d come up with something since I loved her so much. My Stepmom died last weekend. I was sure I had something, Christmas show, I was ready.
Everyone else I saw did well. Some good.
If I am correct I went 14th out of 15 tonight. It wasn’t great. It gets that late and you think, last isn’t bad. But second to last was not kind to me tonight.
Everyone else found their rhythm.
I got up there. I’m not even kidding- I was lost in the woods.
It was so bad.
I told them my Stepmother was dead like I was confessing to her murder.
That one hurts me so bad.
I could have said, “so my mom died” and it technically wouldn’t be a lie as she was my Mom from 2nd grade through Senior Year.
Eventually She and my Father divorced but She is still who she was. I called her “Mama”, not to betray my own Mother but to honor Peggy. I love my Mother. More than anyone. I love my Father and my Stepmother equally. I love my Father like my Mother, Peggy never got any credit for making our lives better.
So a woman I loved very much isn’t with the living anymore. And it hurt.
She was dying for a very long time. Yes, her being out of pain makes it easier. I’m worried af about my Dad.
It wasn’t fighting my mental state, as soon as I got up there I knew I wasn’t in control. More specifically, exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. I fought it. I did get a few laughs, I reckon. I couldn’t get ahold of it tonight. I touched it for a second and it slipped away.
Screw that one guy for smiling and not laughing-Like, at the Christmas show Bitch, really? – that is a joke I’m just mad he didn’t laugh at my joke. It’s fine. AMF. All My Fault. I said “I thought I was sexy with a big head but you are sexy with a big head.” And he smiled, and didn’t laugh. It was better than an eye-roll, I guess. Whatever. Like it was his fault. We’ll get there.
-Sorry my Mommy died. Losing parents and such.
It just didn’t happen tonight.
Other performers were being nice to me afterwards it was disgusting. Another joke. I like people
being nice, I hate being a bloody mess. I really wanted to rock tonight.
I don’t wanna think about this anymore tonight.
That one hurts. Did I tell you my Christmas plans fell through at the last minute? YESTERDAY. No yeah it was great.
Goddamn it, that was terrible. Fucking terrible.
I know it’s been too long since I’ve been here.
If I don’t see you before, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays. Happy New Year. Blessings to you all.
Was decent. I never really know how I will perform until I’m on stage. It was alright.
By the time I got up most of the audience had left, which is always a challenge. Sometimes that shuts me down, but tonight I was determined to perform regardless of the crowd. I’m glad I did.
One impression was about 75% and the other was not very good (I caught it at the end but that is hardly a success, probably won’t try that one again for a while.
The crowd was generous with me which I appreciated. Lots of people like to go outside while I’m performing, like they are slick, but whatever. It doesn’t bother me. THAT is funny.
Someone used me in one of their jokes and it might’ve hurt my feelings if that had been the first time I’d heard the joke.(😈)I’m behaving.
And I truly don’t mind helping someone out.
Everything but my opener was all new material, but it isn’t like I’ve been doing shows every week so that’s not exactly impressive. I’m trying to perform as much as possible because I desperately need the practice. I think I was up for almost 5 minutes, not great, but not terrible either.
More updates to come. Bless you all, I hope you are well and happy. Be good to yourself.
[A note on productivity- This year has been wild from the start. My readers here are way down from last year because I have had precious little time to devote to this blog. Not only that, it has been difficult to stay consistent in my writing. I started doing standup this year and it has been a challenge to keep this site updated. If you are a regular here, know that I appreciate the hell outta you. Thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my cranky little heart.]
[[And I am not paying, cannot afford, 40 bucks a month to remove the WordPress logo at this time, soooo… sorry about that. They are not slick, that shit is disgusting. SHAME!!! MAYBE when I can afford to Upgrade to annual, but it is not a priority at this time. That is an in-office tooth whitening for Christ’s sake.]]
* Currently, I am in a battle with my insomnia. If I don’t take my sleeping pills, I stay up too late and sleep too long. If I do take my sleeping pills, I sleep for 12-16 hours straight and wake up with a hangover that lasts until I drink coffee. It’s going to be alright. It is that time of year. *
Last night’s dream was spectacular.
So, it starts, and we have gone on vacation to an Island Paradise. I heard the words “St. Lucia” but I’ve never been or even seen it so. It was playing Saint Lucia, but it felt more like French Polynesia. The blue of the waters was this beautiful backlit azure, it was so beautiful.
My husband had to report to work a few times on this vacation. (grrrr, I know)
The first day, I am by myself, and the first thing I do is find a river. Like most rivers in my dreams this one was reminiscent of Holmes Creek. I thought- I’d like to go tubing down this river and ended up floating all the way down on my back. It was so cool. Thankfully, I didn’t get eaten. I came around a bend and saw whitewater ahead and banked on the right side. When I got out of the river there was this long, narrow Sea Entrance with beaches and palm trees on both sides.
From here I felt the impulse to board a cruise-ship to a neighboring island, so I did.
At this point, I was just trying to find my husband. Not in a scared way, but an impatient longing way. We get to the other island, and I walk into this UN looking chamber that is currently in recess. In this dream my Husband was being played by Seth Meyers, but he was still himself. He had a high clearance government job though.
Basically, he was like, damn baby, how did you get here? and I was like, you know me.
He had things left to do so I had to go back to the other island. A bitch didn’t have the clearance.
I’m getting off the ship and I’m speaking to a representative of the initial island. She was blonde and pretty. She did not like that I had traveled to another island. Not, mad, just obviously a little bothered. There was (some kind of) rivalry between the islands, and she was worried about losing business.
I had to let her know that I only went out looking for my Husband.
I told her- “We always find each other”
For a dream where we weren’t really together it was very nice and peaceful.
I had an all night dream that took place in the setting I grew up in.
It was the same piece of land that I grew up on. The house was different, an actual house instead of a trailer.
I was married, we had one neighbor who lived close.
I was a killer in this dream, not a random victim type thing but a “do whatever it takes to advance and protect my family” type killer.
Someone had gotten on my shit list and was in the back of my car passed out. While I’m moving them to the killing place a neighbor comes up close. I almost got him to leave me alone, but right before he walked away he saw the back passenger-side door open and ol’ dudes arm hanging out of the car.
So I had to kill him. It was very rushed, he ended up in the back yard.
Later, his wife calls and says she knows what happened and attempts to blackmail me.
That night I shared the situation with my husband.
We were supposed to dispose of the body properly but it never happened. Just inaction.
The next day I got a text from the wife with pictures of the evidence.
So I disappeared, but knew that I was going to jail.
The last part of my dream was a very homoerotic scene where very attractive inmates were basically like- “Baby, It’s Okay.”
From the moment I went to sleep to the moment I woke up.
We were running late because I forgot to put my glasses back on. Had to turn around.
It was so much better than I thought it would be to-night.
Oh my God,
Okay, so my basic bitch ass saw my first roast battle and it was SO GOOD >< It was so damn funny.
The last few times I’d tried to go late, people left before I could get up there, and because I’m so new, little things still effect me. Affect? I don’t fucking care. I’m trying to go on earlier. I very nearly wanted to go first but didn’t ask, and then, the impulse left me.
Everyone who went on ready to eat tonight. He loves to see it. Particularly, the two sets right after mine. Lil Twin and Scott Wilding. Both did very well.
Someone paid me a very nice compliment.
The Hosts, Beth and Deonté were on fire. Darrin was on fire.
My set started, it was like someone running at a cliff. I just went for it.
That first joke was t-r-a-g-i-c. A fiasco. Bop Bop. It has done better. My delivery was effed.
I pace. Apparently.😈. I prowl sometimes when I’m searching. I didn’t come alive until I was able to run it down. The first quarter was wasted space. I did get off the ground but it wasn’t something I can say “I” did, if that makes any sense. I’m happy. He’s happy.
Probably had the shortest set tonight, which makes sense.
Did you tell them you were non-binary? Kinda. And I actually wanted to keep that one locked down, (I don’t think that is the right term, maybe I am being weak. I think I’m just a very sensitive person? But there’s no time for that, I am not there to analyze my inner workings Im there to perform) and it turned out to be a Sudafed joke. It was the biggest laugh I got.
And then he sang.
It was so bad. Bad is good here. I was afraid they were going to heckle me and it was the only thing I had. Fergie’s National Anthem, Chanzy? Yes. Almost to the chorus, I needed it so bad.
Did you just yell “laugh” at that guy? And he did, and said “Thank You”.
Cameras- Matt and Kim.
I am not great with being filmed. And did you very nearly go on a diva rant?, whooooooooooooooooo. I *literally* couldn’t because I was unsure people would think it was funny. Mariah Carey. Tonight it wasn’t bad. Somehow. It didn’t shut me down. Lots of Baptist owned footage of this one. It’s inevitable. I got used to it before and I’ll get used to it again. I need so much practice.,
I thought I was going to be sick right after I didn’t fail(?)🙄. It was good.
I was so freaking scared to go after Kristopher Kendrick.
Shockley did some great crowd work. I can’t do that ish yet. I was freaking out over thinking I’d have to be mean. If they’d heckled me tonight I was ready to start sobbing.
It was very nice to fall into that run.
Tonight was alright.
At first I think we all thought we’d be playing to the walls. People came in and from what I could see they hung around.
I thought I couldn’t do it with people so close, but the crowd was a BIG part of the show tonight. They were close to the stage but it wasn’t so bad. I got up there and realized it was two pretty girls. Thank you, Jesús. They were alright. I didn’t have to insult anyone and that’s all my tender heart wanted tonight after being off for so long.
I literally just want to get lost in the light where I can’t see anyone, but I can hear them, but he will take any type forward momentum at this point.
This summer came at my throat and eyes. Middle decade birthdays are busted, you guys.
Why am I always the damn rookie? What the actual f is that? -It’s fine! Always, though. He’s fine.
I’m wired because I was okay but I am not intoxicated along with that because I wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t all good, so, it’s tough. But he can do this.
I look so fat. I do have a pretty stomach outside of clothes, just by the way, but alright. He does have a pretty face you just got to get way too close to see it, by then he’s uncomfortable. It’s fine, you vain b-word, Eat it, it’s what you’re good at.
Cut to me never missing another workout ever.
Coffee’s wearing off. I had to leave two sets after mine, I hate to do that, that is the truth. Couldn’t see Gabriel tonight which sucks. Honorable Mentions- Brandi Augustus, Tim Gill, Cool Breeze, Amanda Kruel, Art Martin, Madison Duren, Gibson Carney, Andrew McAffry, David Habel. They were playing elsewhere. I know I forgot some people or missed someone else but he tried, damn it.
*We have been watching Claim to Fame. The other day I said how cool it would be to have a murder mystery reality show, like that,(without it coming off campy!) where they are eliminated based on their choices from the moment they enter the house. Mess up enough you’re on the list.*
It started somewhere north and west of here, in the woods somewhere. Off the highway.
There are people, about 6? All of them looked famous, the only face I can clearly remember is Gina Torres.
There is an older, chubby man. Who might have been wearing a chef hat.
There is a slight woman with a long bob cut.
I thought she was the killer.
I don’t know.
The scene is dark, and the sun is setting over a wooded ridge.
There are people running toward a building set in the Wilderness. (I looked like a *really nice* rest stop.)
All the lighting in this place was bad fluorescent… so obviously horror movie lighting. Low ceilings.
Then, I saw them die. Every time there was a death I saw it. I had no clue what was going on.
First it was quick and white and silver motions that ended neatly in death. In a closet? I think the first one was in a closet or closet like space. Someone was caught and it was quick. Boom.
Another death, that happened off screen. It’s coming together that this is no accident.
Then Slight Bob is looking up something on a computer that verifies she is related to or connected a crime that all of these people were involved in. (These people are being punished; it isn’t random. I think they killed/ruined her parents.)
Except, Gina Torres is behind her and sees the screen. But she is unaware of what she has seen, because she is just there, she didn’t do anything.
So Slight Bob (who now looks like Castle Rock Annie Wilkes) just walks out and I’m watching Gina Torres stand at an island in the kitchen, worrying.
Suddenly I am outside in a very pretty all-glass greenhouse, but it is dark outside so everything is in the shadows.
There is a fluffy woman who is been put, on a table, maybe strapped in a wheelbarrow. She is ahead of me. The guy in the chef’s hat walks around behind her. She is screaming or crying, probably both. He pulls out this cylindrical, narrow, metal, post-looking thing about a foot-and-a-half long with a big mean hook at the end. It looked like something you’d see in a butcher shop. Without saying a word he put it in her lower stomach and sliced all the way up her body. (!) Her cries cut out and became very quiet pathetic sounds.
(*Disney can’t show this, what is going on?!*)
There was no blood but because he’d cut the way he had you could see the outline of her stomach and other stuff, but none of it had been damaged. So, she might live if there was a doctor right there, but there was not. Just a very unpleasant cook.
I felt very sorry for her, she was innocent. Wrong place wrong time.
Then I woke up because the power went out and turned our “smart” lights into rave lights and woke me UP!
When I went out Slight Bob and the Infernal Chef were coordinating, after the kill.
She knew that Gina Torres had seen the screen and, by then, would know the truth.
When I left, I was in the grass in front of the building.
I came right back, SOMEHOW- and it was quiet and there was nothing there and it was not lit up, so it was over. Got back and it didn’t matter.
Freaking MISSED IT!!!!
And I’m choosing to believe she escaped.
Whatever crime was being punished, she didn’t have a part of, but they wouldn’t care, I saw what Chef Boyardee did in that greenhouse.
I’m done. Today I wanted to go Live on TikTok but I couldn’t get it together. To make myself feel better I decided to get some pictures with the good light.
Most of them came out right. The body shots-WHICH ARE NOT EASY IN THE FIRST PLACE!- were obscured by Sheddy Krueger. THANKS.
Love you guys, hope your weekend is good….
Since Instagram cuts off the edges of Pictures- LOOKING AT YOU, Instagram!-we’ve got some Exclusives- Thank you, Chantarctica, Thank you WordPress- Here are the full photos-
Before you get smart, I haven’t taken a shower today. THAT’S RIGHT. Love you. I hope some of you see this and it makes your weekend better. Get out there and have fun or stay in a restore your energy. Do something nice for yourself, please.
We are finally getting close enough to Autumn that I’m feeling optimistic again. Be safe. Thank you for coming by.
More weekend of July. We are already halfway through summer, thank all that is good. Twice this season the weather has saved my mental health; I hate summer but I love summer thunderstorms.
We’re going to be alright. You know what’s fucked up? I had just started feeling like my life long attraction to Russians was not treasonous, really breaking down that born in the 80’s ridiculous Russian stereotyping, and -WHAM- War. F me. Oh I do not want fight with anyone. It never ends well. Whatever. It’s not like anyone cares what I think.
Anyone else wish they could spend summer surrounded by snow?
Today was strange. Not terrible but strange. Being gay isn’t a sin. I had an odd conversation and I feel compelled to say that. Being gay is not a sin, having a lazy mind is a sin. By the way, there is no such thing as sin- there is only good and evil. And all the other things.
This year has been terribly interesting, so much that even in the middle of a depressive state I am thrilled about what else is to come. I’ve been working on my other socials, specially TikTok and Instagram. Some gabies shamed me into getting a Snapchat. Instagram is my favorite. I am trying to go live more.
You never know what’s coming- I hope the rest of this season, the rest of this year is good for you. I know it feels like the world is crazy, that is because it is, you’re gonna be great. Better than fine. Don’t deny yourself happiness. Whatever it takes.
If you have been around here for awhile, thank you so much for sticking around, you make this a better space. You rock. Take care of yourself.🌹
When I woke up today I thought to myself- it is a Saturday, just cool it and try and relax. Anyone who knows me knows that it is very hard for me to sit still and harder to relax. Anxiety.
They took Bring It On, Ghost off Netflix and it made me mad. They took Oh My Ghost off as well and I became bitter. Those are my favorite K-Dramas. Fortunately, I got the DVDs as an early birthday gift. Currently, I am watching 13th episode of Bring It On, Ghost. I like to rewatch it, usually this time of year.
Usually, I try to avoid coffee but today it was magnificent. I really like good coffee.
Fun fact- we realized this week that I didn’t have my first blended iced coffee drink until I was SEVENTEEN. NO WONDER I LIKE THEM SO MUCH! I’m behaving. People don’t know, they think they do but they don’t.
The last few weeks have been very tough psychologically for me. Summer is always a doozie tying right back into growing up in an agricultural economy.
I’ve been trying to get sun because I had low Vitamin D levels. I’m very fair skinned and am trying to stay safe about it. Recently discovered a new spot of arthritis, which is always fun. HELP ME!!! -He’s Fine! It’s Fine…
Hopefully this weekend is good to you all. I hope you are safe and happy. It seems like a lot to ask for in the world right now, but there it is.
Don’t run, screaming, into the woods x1 Don’t run, screaming, into the woods x2 Don’t run, screaming, into the woods x3
We need you.
The sooner you cut this woe is me sh!t the sooner we can move forward
I AM TRYING.
AND IF YOU SAY ONE MORE THING ABOUT YOUR FATHE-
YES! I UNDERSTAND, THANK YOU
I love you too, damn it.
Get more exercise. I worked out at least three times this past week and it may be the only reason I had it in me to do this. I have missed being here. I missed you, maybe. Whatever.
Hopefully there will be something pleasant in the weekend for you. The last few weeks have been crazy, I’ve had to take some mental health time, keeping all of the updated all the time is a little overwhelming for a guy who never really liked social media. Blogging is my favorite￼.
Don’t wanna talk about politics don’t wanna talk about COVID- GO!
Oh, hey I got rejected by an agent but I did get a response, WHICH MADE ME WANT THEM MORE. It felt like less than 12 hours, I hope that was a good thing.
Tonight was bad. I already vented on Twitter. Basically, I bombed so bad tonight it wan’t funny. I mean I wasn’t funny.
Everyone else was. Everyone else did well. Special thanks to the Host, Beth, who was amazing. Opening was good.
That old mother fucker came right at you and your keywords didn’t he, bitch? Yes, he did.
That other bearded queer was funny, wasn’t he? Yes.
It was so bad. It was so bad.
I had about 60 seconds of control and BOOP, gone.
My set was trash.
It has been clear to me for a while I need to have an Instagram or a Facebook, I chose Instagram. I left Instagram a couple of years ago when they kept calling me a “DILF”. He’s sensitive. So, I am on Instagram, now, we will see what good it does me.
I’m not angry and anyone’s else success,
That being said,
I hated that.
The audience was GONE!
I AM BEHAVING.
I NEVER ASKED TO GO LAST!
I AM BEHAVING.
I am going to calm down and rewatch The Northman.
There was no LIQUOR!
WHO DOES THAT???
GOODNIGHT, TONIGHT IS THE NORTHMAN HEADED STRAIGHT INTO MATERNAL INSTINCTS and THE BITTER SUITE and that’s it.
I did see it all and I thought I had a grip on my nerves. It was an off night.
I know next time will be better.
A few hours ago when I got home I felt something welling up and I ended up getting something on camera
Yes- It was real.
Go to sleep. To the sound of my Shame
LAP IT UP.
I’m sorry. Not your fault.
Will you play with my hair so bitch can rest? FUCK!
I’m working on a new look. Most of my life I’ve just thrown on clothes.
When you grow up as poor as I did it is complicated. There was never money for clothes and every time I was allowed to pick something it was criticized so hard I never learned to trust my instincts, which are on point.
Last week I found a shirt that reminds me of a 90’s shirt, specially the color.
I love this shirt, I found it online. (Amazon)
How cute is this???
I wore it on stage last night, so, now, I can wear it anytime.
I know tank tops are for younger people, I cannot help what looks good on my frame. i used to hate people my age and older wearing tank tops. I get it, just trying to look good.
It it were up to me I’d always wear a suit.
Be good to yourself. People are rough enough without leaving openings for them. You’re allowed to look good.
I ate it so hard tonight… undeniable shit show tonight.
I don’t know what happened, except maybe that I wasn’t balanced, if you understand.
Twice now my instincts told me not to go up, and I did it anyway, and twice I went down in flames.
Hey, fun fact, I am a solid performer, but I am not someone who has access to all of “It” anytime I “want to”.
What I mean is that just because I can do many things it doesn’t mean that I can channel it all whenever I like.
Today I sang something and said, “Oh I sound great.” Which never happens, I should’ve been warned.
Speaking is the one that is easiest to do; not tonight it wasn’t. One of the only laughs I got was from humming. It was a terror burp, I was pulling up nothing.
So, I am up there, I make a joke I didn’t want anyone to laugh at, they all did.
I said, “Insurrectionists, make some no-o-o-ise” and they all did. I was hoping for nothing, it was a test. It was a test.
I had them for about three jokes, about 30 seconds, and lost them.
I kept going, trying to be as real as possible, as that is the best stuff for me.
I went dark immediately…and they did not like it.
Things that affected my performance-
My bowels are affected by anxiety and on show day its always terrible.
Thank you. Today was parshitularly bad. I thought it was a fart, it wasn’t a fart.
Moving on. I spent the whole night thinking I was going to terror-blast-shit. all night.
I hated my outfit. I looked good last time. I opted out of repeating outfits. I have sworn a blood curse upon those low-rise jeans. I wore my old, safety outfit. It was bland, even by my standards. I CANNOT GO ON STAGE LOOKING LIKE SHIT. I can’t. I hate shopping! I HATE SHOPING FOR CLOTHES! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. TOMORROW! Fuck that hurt.
They were ready to go with me, too, and I just fucking missed it. Last time, it was due to being intoxicated, this time it was due to being sober. It makes sense and it doesn’t make sense.
It was terrible, it was fucking terrible.
Something happened where the things I described were no longer funny to me. They were, but only in the darkest way and no one felt what I was saying.
I tried to retreat into my anger, but since my anxiety was jacked to hell it came out real AND, NO ONE GOT THE JOKE.
I said some super dark, real shit up there and usually it scores- NOTHING. Because I couldn’t get my mind right.
I felt it beforehand but there’s nothing you can do about it.
I got a lot of shit from the audience, and I tried to play back, but, no one got it (and it wasn’t great anyway).
Pretty much told them to shut the fuck up while I was talking.
I thought I’d get them back with the dark marriage joke but they didn’t think that was funny. Not being mean, there were no couples by then.
Some mean queen with blonde hair practically sat in my husband’s lap throwing something away-AND THEN LEFT BEFORE I COULD USE IT ON STAGE! Him leaving might have made me the maddest, I knew I could use that to be better and the son of a bitch left me standing there. I wanted to make his hateful ass laugh and then ignore him, but whatever.
I HATE IT!
WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?
So, right before I went on, two tables full of people left.
Wap! Gone! 8 people. 8 people… 8 people left.
And I started getting shit from the balcony.
NO PEOPLE DOWNSTAIRS AND A PACKED BALCONY IS FUCKED. JUST SO, YOU KNOW.
I couldn’t see them, they ALL tried to get at me at once.
It was terrible.
I have some devastatingly hilarious footage of my Husband reenacting the crash.
It was so bad. No grace. Absolutely none. At first, we were bantering then it became heckling I tried shut it down and none of it was working, I couldn’t get it together and that is just how it was.
The problem at that point was I was trying to be funny.
The whole thing was supposed to be funny and none of it was.
No one was even there, you’d think it would be easier, it was not. I had nothing. I know it’s there but it’s like it might as well not be there.
You learn nothing from success, that thought occurred to me earlier today.
It was a bad day.
I’m not going to feel better until I win. That is the truth. It is fucked up for me. Excuse my language- Balance is a Motherfucker.
None of this will keep me from going back, I am so aggravated.
Damn that was terrible.
I can’t perform without an audience. The only time I can call it up is for an audience, and when I can’t do that I am lost. And I cannot switch gears and say, BE FUNNY IN A MUSICAL WAY, BITCH!!!, nothing.
If I let my anxiety go unchecked, it is as dangerous as being drunk.
Fuck me. He is hopeless. Fantastic.
There was no reason, sometimes the stress overcomes me. I know I need more practice. I did everything I could to ensure my success with my superstitious ass and none of it saved me. My nerves are a real thing, usually I can drive them just above where they are fueling my ride, and then sometimes I cannot get on my surfboard, and it turns into whitewater rafting, and you just keep your nose and toes up and hope.
You’d think I’d take comfort in the fact that I am talented, unfortunately, that is not who I am.
Worst night, so far, at least the last time failing is blurry because of the BOOZE,
I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.
Oh MY GOD, I forgot that right before I went on stage, I didn’t properly lock the bathroom door and some person just came in when I was in there. OOPS!
I AM DONE WITH TODAY.
If you’re out there being what you are, don’t stop. Bombing sucks, you’ll be alright.
For reference I felt like I did the best I ever did last time.
You’ll win again.
Me? I’m going to eat this coffee ice cream and zone out to some Xena Warrior Princess.
Probably Ten Little Warlords
I prefer the Success Insomnia, I do not like this.
My insomnia is bucking like it always does this time of year.
We both kind of hate spring. You think late winter is bleak but I hate the heat.
Summer will be better. I’ve had a wheeze since COVID and all I can think of is right now how to alleviate the embarrassing thing. Freaking loud breather.
It’s hard to keep up with everything. I’m tired of being poor.
I’m going in a new direction and it has been wonderful.
I had an appointment for my shoulder yesterday and I’ve been in low gear trying to keep from irritating it further. Nothing new, fingers crossed, had a decent experience at the doctors, which was refreshing. Since I had an appointment I couldn’t sleep Monday, then last night, I thought I might be performing tonight but at about 2 A.M. I realized there was no way. I slept about 5 hours today between 8AM-1PM.
I am not good a relaxing. It takes as much practice for me as exercise, maybe more.
Had some very good tea a little while ago.
This year I may have been more productive career wise than ever before. I just wish my body wasn’t so frumpy.
I’m alright, it is not easy to maintain balance between Health, Mind, and Work. I sure wish my PARENTS HAD BEEN RICH. Feel like this might be easier somehow.
Anyway, that’s the story of why I can’t do overhead lifts anymore, probably.
Up until this time in my life I have been interested in strength only. I’m going to be switching gears into something superior. Yoga, Cardio, Swimming.
I am naturally muscular and I think it’s time to focus on function so I can remain upright.
I’ve been neglecting my self care for a while now and it didn’t really notice it until recently. I was so stressed on a regular basis that it has shown up as physical symptoms. Living with chronic pain is no fun.
Sleep helps😴. Which is what I should be doing🥱 but I wanted to give you something, any little thing I could.🥴
Ready to be back in Dream World.💋
Take Care of Yourself. 🌹
PS- I am loving the sun this year. I have spent so much of my life out of the sunshine that my human body said, “…if you don’t go outside, Bitch.” The sun and the ocean are doing so much for me this year.
I have no alibi, I will not be answering questions at this time.
It’s chaos. His mind is chaos.
I heard somewhere that as people age they start hating music that is current and I said, No, thank you. Music is inherently good, it’s just terrible artists. You know what I mean. Its weird what makes you.
You don’t tell anyone what I did, and I won’t send those pictures–What I meant to say was- “Nothing.”.
Yesterday, I had to do some driving. Last Night, I had a crazy dream. Here we go.
So, the trip I took yesterday involved a lot of back roads.
At the opening of the dream, the sky was sunless but not full dark.
In this dream, I could run really fast. What I am telling you is that I was running on the road next to cars and shit. Yes, on the interstate, AND it wasn’t odd because there were other people doing it. It was very Kung-Fu Hustle. I remember being very careful merging. The off ramps were fun.
The landscape by then was all dark and starry. It was a mix of rolling hills and mountains in the distance. It was very pretty, like Tennessee can be.
Ok, so after a while, I am solo on the open road, which is nice but after a while I get lonesome. Right as I am wondering why am I heading in this direction, I crest a hill that has mountains to each side. At the top of this hill I see the Moon, bigger than I have ever seen it. Beyond me is a city that is wedged into a mountain pass.
It was so cute, I love places like that. Just into the civilization I see a building (on the left) and go toward it like a bird who can sense where it’s going.
The building looked like a mix of a luxurious Japanese townhouse and a modern home. It was big, and square, the exterior was all dark wood and glass, the floor was all concrete.
This house was gorgeous.
The door was unlocked, as these things are in dreams, so I went inside. The entry room was separate from the parlor. The entry room was small and rectangular, the door on one side and a glass door into the house. I stepped into the parlor.
Something told me to dance so I just started dancing. It looked more like Tai Chi, but a bitch is not complaining. There wasn’t direct moonlight but enough residual moonlight for me to cast shadows.
So, what happened next is the weird part, stay with me.
I’m having fun in this house I walked into, and a man emerges from a hallway to the right. Older, Asian, Attractive. He was wearing a dark house robe.
He looked incredulous…but in an entertained way? I don’t know. I can’t explain it.
I was SO FREAKED OUT. I said, You need to leave, now. And that is exactly what happened. Burning with shame I headed out the way I had come.
WHY WOULD I ASSUME THAT BECAUSE IT IS UNLOCKED THAT IT IS “OPEN”?
He stepped towards me, but not in anger, or at least, not entirely. I could tell that when he moved toward me it wasn’t aggressive, more curious, but I was so ashamed I had gone in someone else’s house without permission (IN MY OWN DREAM) that I couldn’t get out fast enough. Maybe he wanted to talk, maybe he wanted to kill me, maybe both, I wasn’t brave enough to stand there and find out. There was this panic that I had better get back to the other side of those doors, or else, and so I did, quick.
Yeah, I don’t know either. That one was fun, and stressful. Sorry, Mister. That was unintentional, why I thought a place so pretty would be vacant in today’s market, I do not know. I guess I wasn’t thinking.
First off, let me say, Sorry for the absence of any decent content in so long.
He is in charge of a frozen continent and sometimes the waters surrounding this bitch get choppy. You are welcome here, and I am glad to have you.
Today is as good as any to shit on Easter, right?-To just swing wide on a rant? FABULOUS. Because I am doing it.
We don’t do religious holidays in Chantarctica. But if we did, Easter is still off limits.
I am a bit of a purist. I prefer the original. When you take over all the good holidays how could you not succeed? Oh, that one hurts. Unlearning takes time. Because just wishing someone a happy Solstice or Happy Spring or Happy (FREAKING) HARVEST isn’t enough even though most of you live in farming communities, AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (The Church is only another weight to you. Church is no way to overcome poverty or build confidence. Everything comes from outside yourself and can therefore be taken from you the minute popular opinion shifts, and I am only talking about my people.)
I’m genuinely sorry for the last part, Easter and Christmas get me riled up. No one has fun anymore, like no fun was ever had and everyone wonders why this planet is so dreadful.
We get to Purge Night once a year, on New Year’s Eve, and that isIT!
And we should call Christmas “Winter” instead.
Holidays are complicated for me. Holidays weren’t spent the way they should be spent until I started my own family. Yesterday was one of the best Holidays we ever spent together, and it was so simple. We never left the house, and I never felt the need too. It was us, and we had family over, it couldn’t have been better. We ate early and didn’t overdo it, which is hard because we are fat Americans, but we managed not to overeat.
Grammarly is out of my price range for the next two weeks and that’s just how “it is”. What I am saying is- Forgive a sloppy bitch, thank you. Everybody typos… and he is not the best speller and never pretended otherwise, thank you. And I am using Word, now.
Here we go-
Easter was a pagan holiday that was appropriated by the church to sell more WWJD bracelets to virgins.–I’m sorry! What I meant to say was- Easter was “coopted” by Christians to drain what little joy was left in the world and diarrhea upon it-
Fine… Easter is whatever you want it to be. And I’m sorry I was mean. I really, really hate that they took the joy out of it, and if you know what I am talking about…. I’m behaving. Rabbits. I don’t hate Christians, I resent the way they treated me personally.
I was a pagan before I was Christian, I converted, and I disavowed said conversion. I’m a pagan again and I don’t think people have fun anymore and it leads to more hell (agnostic? I don’t fucking know, none of it matters.) Some people aren’t spiritual or introspective, I probably dwell on it too much. It doesn’t matter.
Cut to me- watching the Little Mermaid Television Show and trying not to fucking consider our shared circumstances.
I hope you are all safe and full.
You know who was low key stud material? The Seaclops in Season One, Episode 16- Calliope Dreams. Maybe not even low key, maybe flat-out. I will not be taking questions at this time.
Grandpa Neptune would roll over in his grave, is what he’d do! (I’m behaving! That joke is specific to the episode. Just a little something for you… No, I will not explain it, thank you.)
Please have a good week.
So internet, cave house, fresh water…(?) There is never anything to eat because I am a former obese person, but you can bring whatever you like.
Steam Cave. We need a steam cave that won’t murder the shit out of us or blow the fuck up. It’s a process. And internet only in certain areas because a bitch isn’t stupid. Thank You. You’re not allowed to die, thank you.
Not that you ever ask, but I’m doing great, thank you. Call your Mother.
If you get that joke we should be friends. hit me up.
And Clover Valley Jesus. (Ugh.) hate Eli. I’m sorry. Hate him hate him hate him, I’m sorry. There are some very racist episodes of Xena Warrior Princess….. Like that blackface (blackface?) episode of the Golden Girls. Later. It is important but it’s late…. Mixed Blessings-! That is the name of the episode.
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