Yesterday, I started with an exhausting workout…. and I mean I went at it. I assumed that I’d be spending the day mostly lazy so I went crackers.

No harm right?

Nope. After my workout, and a long drive, I came home where we ended up moving 2 tons of wood from the front.

Today, everything hurts. My knees, my hips, my back, my belly…. all the way up to my side-boobs-EVERYTHING. My eyebrows hurt.

My Body

My Body

My Body

Don’t get old.

On Robert Pants II

I needed Katara’s number.

Wait! Let me Finish!

I did not reach out he sent me a stupid Christmas message in a bottle and my dumbass opened it. It was only his number in red and green. Of course.

You know who he is.

Anyway, I needed some help from Katara. I wanted to talk to her but he knows I don’t have her number.

Last time I saw him, that yellow bastard physically took my cell phone (and my contacts)… so I took it and slammed it against the wall. I’m not proud, it was not great. That last time He was trying to get me started in a bad way and I just left.

I don’t want to talk about it.

Which is funny, because that’s exactly what happened.

I called his ass (international from a Land Line like a cave-person) and he answered the phone.

I waited on him to speak. He waited on me to speak.

And it went on for 49 minutes.

I lost patience and hung up…he won. He knows I don’t want to speak to him…I needed information.

He always does this near around my anniversary. (Which is ridiculous because he never remembered ours.)

Gods only know what he did to Squidward before he started with me.

He doesn’t even want my attention anymore, just wants to remind me he’s still on T.V….



You’re going to give Katara my new number, Bobby.

Before the 1st.

Thank you.

Please don’t make me come down there.

Send the message, then loose my number, and don’t ever tell me how you knew exactly where and when I was.


You Already Know…

After seeing the Christmas pictures, tomorrow is a workout day. And a manscaping day.

And maybe a finding some super-expired mushrooms day, and a baby sheep sacrifice day, and a RuPaul face-snatcher day.

The next million days are workouts day.

You better hold that camera up, bitch. Listen to Bop Bop; he loves you. No, that was not okay. Shit, don’t blame me. I didn’t know!

Don’t start. I’m the one who has to fight off fat face and old age every day for the rest of his damned life…. (and ugly…and gross.) FABULOUS! *insert psychotic white-lady laughter* Don’t start.

And death tries to creep back up on you.

How did I start to get fat again AND my face has no fat-cushion?!?

What the Fuck??

HOW?! What is that?!

I can’t.

Stay Safe, damn it.

I hope your holiday pictures are kinder to you



I’m watching the Star Wars Holiday Special…this couldn’t have actually happened, right?

I’m tripping balls holiday-style…right?

(Thank you, Dayton)

-That opening looked like a Pizza Hut commercial.

-White Walker Wookiee. This cannot be real.

Also, I do not speak Wookie, can a bitch get subtitles?!

-Who did Luke Skywalker’s base coat? That is incorrect

-And now it’s a dirty kaleidoscope…

I’m going to pee.

-And now the Empire is in the house?! (On that green carpet!)

-🎶And then there’s Maude🎶


-Holy crap, it’s a cult.

-And Carrie Fisher sings it home.

Worth it! Show me how to live!!! 💜💜

“May the Force be with you.”

And also with you.


We were so poor-

A tree falling was the most exciting shit in my life…for MONTHS. My Brother and I discovered it after a storm, and we used it as a staging ground for some epic fantasy shit. (For months)

It was so much fun.

But I’m a “millennial”. The fuck you say…

Bitch! You grew up with a phone we don’t know each other!

Calm Down Chanzy

Pardon me, who I actually am broke through for a second. I love you, you’re safe, and we will NEVER. That memory came back because I was stupid enough to down trees without thinking

“Oh yeah. The tree.”

I forgot about the tree.

I remember now.

Extra Intro-rdinary

How about- I hated going anywhere and only routinely left my home for the gym or the food place…

But now, that we all have to stay inside like it’s Silent Hill, I’m going stir-crazy. Anybody else?? What is that about?!

The first season you’re thinking- “Look at these sad ass clowns”. Nine months later you want to haul ass like it’s “Get Out” but you don’t, Because you are happy. You married a yellow hair first and you’re happy.

It’s a good thing, because there’s nowhere to go. Like every scary movie…there is no escape, bitch!

Be good to yourself. Most people are fucking morons but you’re alright. There will be years worse than this. Fuck this year…and the last few years can hop on the same fuck.


My Body….

My Body…….

…………..my body……….

If one of you bitches doesn’t feel sorry for me right now.

Yesterday, I was a good person, and went to the gym. I was home by 6:30. (=Good Person)

Today, my entire upper body hurts like a motherfucker.

Fat is evil.

Fat is literal (actual) death creeping up on your body.

Moonshine 12

Last night, it struck me that I haven’t actually been enjoying it the way I should…I’ve got a ton of pictures of the moon but what I really like is looking at the damn thing.

So this is the last one for a while, maybe forever.


Happy December!

(Or whatever it is)

(wherever you are)

So cold
So pretty
Drink it up



Tonight’s Dinner

Cut to me busy all day to eat

What am I going to eat

What am I going to eat

Like there isn’t leftover Lo mein right there.

You’re going to eat the leftovers, and a hand full of fun-sized Snickers, is what you’re gonna do, bitch!

Oh no

That’s a very old very gypsy curse on your ass for plagiarism.

That makes you a hollow thief.

I’ve never in my life looked up what someone else said trying to find something I could steal and pretend was mine.

That’s an old gypsy curse on your ass…

Nobody knows who Mineko Iwasaki is, but Arthur Golden is a millionaire.

(They should dramatize her life under her guidance and it would sell.)



he can’t steal Her from Herself, She’s still who She is…and He’s still who he is. Have fun with that. She wins.

I *still* believe that if you are the real thing and genuine that you don’t really have to worry about plagiarism or being plagiarized. People can smell a fake and will find their way to you if you’re good…and fortunate.*

Sometimes people think up the same thing…

And sometimes they don’t.

*That shit hurts like a motherfucker though and is not okay…especially when they have more money than you. Nope, this is all I have, and it’s mine.

Happy Halloween

Look what I found-


1. That spiderweb was freakin’ gorgeous. Enormous.


2. That is the meanest looking spider I have ever seen!!

🎶Gotta Catch ‘Em All! 🎶🎶It’s you and me🎶

Kill them all my sweet, even the wasps, and that woodpecking-perckerhead too

Slay Queen!….I’m so sorry for that

But seriously,

Happy Halloween or whatever!!


Alright, let’s just get into it.

Last night, I had a wild dream. First off, it was local, which was odd. Usually, those are dull and/or very life-adjacent. Asheville made a brief cameo, but it was prettier than it actually is.

When I say I had a wild dream, I mean-

I shadowed various women who went around tracking down men who had done horrible things and bringing them to justice. They would find them in their hideyholes. No one dared to argue with them. As soon as they saw the person asking questions, they stood down and answered the fuckin’ questions.

🔥 HOT.🔥

The last one I can remember, we were in the middle of the woods, and there was a short woman with short blonde hair and a white shirt, questioning a big ol’ corn-fed looking son of a bitch on the front porch of his trailer. He seemed guilt-ridden and relieved she was there. When my perspective zoomed out, I saw she held some kind of weapon on him, but it was her he was frightened of.

I realized all of the people involved were freaking MAGIC.

I look out into the woods, and people are moving in the trees. It looked like one person with some glamour that multiplied them because all of the steps were in unison. I did what I always do when I see something creepy, I said, “Oh!”.

The people around me saw what I saw. Suddenly, she was gone. The guy beside me looked at the man she had been questioning, apparently, they knew what was going on…I did not.

Something very big and very bad was coming. We were looking for a “safe” place.

Out in the woods, there were three different types of tree that had grown together into a single tree.

The guy said, “You’ll be safe here.”, and you know I parked it and hugged that motherfucker.

So, something is coming, and it’s getting very close. So close that the man who was being interrogated begins to shift into his…”battle form”(?), his body contorted, and his face began to open and close, making roaring noises like freaking Stranger Things.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting there actually hugging a tree. I was the useless one, go figure. Maybe I was there to record testimony? I do not know. I do know that shit was terrifying, and I freaking LOVED every second of it.

Whatever the danger was, I never saw it because I woke up!


I want the rest of that dream!

Witch Bounty Hunters!!! And some “Big Bad” that was coming for everything.


I tried to go back. Maybe later.

Damn, that was fun.

B.D. III (Updated)

I’m afraid to say this, because it keeps on coming, but Saturday was the worst night’s sleep of my life. I had so many nightmares. Worse, I kept having “waking” dreams in between that fooled me into thinking I was safe.

——————————The Details————————-

1st Round-

I was in the car with two people I loved equally and one started assaulting the other, punching them brutally in the face. I grabbed the assailant’s hand and stopped it. This person immediately acted like I was hurting them. Like a rational person I tried to explain, but I knew it was useless as in their thinking, I had betrayed them. I knew they would hurt me for my interference.


I “woke up” in my bedroom, got out of bed, looked in my bathroom mirror and saw a wicked looking cut in the shape of a backwards “C” on my right pec.


I “woke up” in some crazy reality where I was in an adopted family and I was trying to describe my previous dream. I look down and there was a huge death-black spot on my thigh meat. (it was some sort of plague(?)) Then the spot disappeared. In this dream there was some pretty guy who I thought was my adopted brother but it felt weird between us.


I “woke up” again in my real bed in my real house but I was STILL dreaming. In this dreamscape my Husband woke up, saw I was awake, and walked right past me without a good morning. That is incorrect…Not so much a nightmare as uncomfortable.

***************LET ME FINISH***************

Intermission– I actually woke up and saw Him asleep next to me and I had to touch him to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I felt tears in my eyes because I felt crazy. I know the feeling. I *somehow* went right back to sleep.



I “woke up” back into the same dream with the adopted family. This time, the pretty “brother” and I were in my bathroom and he was showering. I was asking him over and over if we were adopted brothers or if we were “together” becoming more and more freaked out. He kept saying “Yes.”… just- “Yes”, as he pulled on his black underwear with hot pink piping. I. Was. Horrified. I am not Woody-Fucking-Allen.


When I finally woke up the last time I just froze in place staring ahead, afraid to move or trust my senses. My Husband came into the room and I asked him entirely non-ironically,

“Am I awake?”

I realized I was finally actually awake… and free. I am not a someone who cries but I shed some tears over that mess.

I got right the fuck out of bed.

I was afraid what’s left of my hair was going to be white.

The vivid imagination and good memory aren’t always great…

Ever wonder what happens if you actually die in your sleep during a horrible nightmare? Because I have. I assume you’re trapped there forever. NO, THANK YOU.

I saw the earth destroyed in my dreams long before I saw Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. And much more violently, I might add. I was in space….Front row.

🤞I need tonight to be better or at least not as bad🤞

Big Money Big Money!


I cannot talk about last night’s nightmare, it was too personal.

Needless to say it was fucked up.

My worst fears came at me in a way I was not prepared for.

This one doesn’t get any cute pictures. That shit was rough.

Don’t ever get fat-It doesn’t matter if you loose weight, and then some, you will always feel worthless.

I have been hacking away at this body for 6 years and even though I can see the individual STRANDS of Muscle under my skin, I still look fat at my lower gut. I am 230 some odd pounds of muscle and I can’t enjoy a shred (ha) of it.

You can’t control a lot in life but you can control things about yourself.

You have to take an active interest in your own well-being or suffer the consequences.

My life feels out of control which is why I’m having nightmares….also, Assholes.*

*Coffee and a cigarette? Coffee and a cigarette….I know it’s bad! Are you going to de-stress me? A bitch needs to calm down, goddamn it. I’m sorry…Apologies, you know I love you. I’m mad at the nightmares.


The night before last I had a bad dream. It was rough and ended up keeping me up for the rest of the night.

Wellllll…last night I had a dream where Alexander Skarsgård made an appearance.

It happens about once a year.

I’m not saying it made up for the night before… Actually…that’s exactly what I’m saying. Worth it! Totally worth it…

In my dream world, there was a party going on.

Someone said something to me that I didn’t like so I hauled it off into my bedroom. I’m in my enormous closet(not my actual closet)trying to find a better outfit(? I don’t know…)

I turn around-

and there he is.


💥 💥 💥 💥I can’t even💥 💥 💥 💥

**Can I just say that, as a short man, I love giants. I always have. I don’t understand short people who hate tall people, that’s ridiculous…tall guys are the only ones who were nice to me.**

Back to my dream-

So, I’m in the closet with my favorite Skarsgård, right? And he’s checking on me (I KNOW)

Don’t throw up, Don’t throw up, Don’t throw up…

Him-“Are you alright?”

Me- “Yeah! Of course.”

He leans in for a hug. (Whaaat??)

I notice some drunk girls followed him in. I point it out. (Even in my dreams, I do not play.)

He leads them out, all smiles,

and locks the door.


Don’t pass out, Don’t pass out, Don’t you dare pass out!!

And that was about it. No weirdness or touchingI just got to feel what it was like to have his attention for a few moments

I would like to thank my ridiculous imagination for showing me that, and Mr. Skarsgård for his cameo. He always brings the blue fire.

Burn Baby Burn!

I know, even my fun dreams are unbearably tame…

I’m kidding- it was freaking awesome.

Now, I’m going to take a bath…

I hope your day is good.


I had a rough dream with various “bad people” from my past in multiple filming locations.

I’m awake now.

I’m up! Damn it, I’m up!

I don’t have nightmares much anymore. When I was younger I had nightmares every night. Surely, my stress levels have something to do with it but without Xanax I’m up the river. I don’t care for intoxicates, including medication, don’t get me started.*

That includes caffeine-Yes!

After my birthday this year I had a number of health issues…First, I couldn’t eat anything without getting sick, then my knee went out on me…not knowing what actual caused either has not helped. Add to those the fact that I can’t seem to sleep anymore and Papa Bear is ready to maul someone.


Here I am, driven out of bed by a few flashes of bad stuff, like a punk. Here I am, half-past midnight watching anime when I should be writing. (Technically, I should be sleeping…but we tried that, didn’t we?!)

Cool it!!!

I have peace inside me, I just don’t have access to it at the moment.

I’m done

Go to sleep…you big freak.

*To be honest, the “Emergency Cigarettes” are just cigarettes lately. I know! I’m quitting, damn it, I KNOW!

It’s like

Paying good money to have acid thrown in someone’s face, then finding out it gave them a better face-

Not only did you give them a better face,

you are also out $2,000!

…….or whatever.

Rough joke…but I love him.

I very accidentally (almost) hooked up with a cousin (on both sides) because we are LEGION where I’m from. Neither relation was close but it was there and thankfully nothing ever happened.

Fucking lightning came down in the distance for the grosser of the two. He was my Dad’s cousin, from the Esto side. He looked familiar because I had seen him before.

We were outside flirting...which I did not do.

Turned to family-

Became a VERY brief conversation..

It hit both of us at the same time, which was gross, but LIGHTNING ⚡️ IN THE DISTANCE⚡️ UNDERSCORED THE ⚡️HORROR⚡️.


“Shut it down.”

That shit HAPPENED.

BeFore 30 Rock, thank you!

Don’t you judge me with your ugly fucking relatives you don’t know my life!

And not to be that guy-

but if you don’t have at least one “step-cousin” or a “Not-really-related” person you ever thought about ever, then your family is not attractive.

2 Nickels

If I had a nickel for every time a full-grown person said they’d had sex with me when they did not, I’d have ten cents.

ShitNickel #1– was a nasty-old-man-roommate. I rent a room to because he had a VEHICLE and I did not.

He flat out lied on me, and his daughter is smiling at me like she knows something, and you go into your church voice and say, “nothing ever happened“, but she isn’t sold.

And you want to beat. His. LYIN’. ASS.

But your family is poor, and you can’t afford to fight it.

That man never got within spitting distance of me. He was gross and didn’t care for his come-ons. No…I don’t want to go to that disgusting nudist cruise-park in the middle of the Panhandle Wilderness-THANKS!

He knew how I felt and lied on my virtue anyway?


I was hurting at the time, but not that much.

I tried to make my “move out” experience with a guy I knew had designs on my (finally)EX-boyfriend. I was trying to get over him, then ended up seeing him constantly. Yeah. I’m a fucking moron. And he wanted me to be funny, and he didn’t get why I wasn’t thrilled to see him. (Also-New Coke sure waited TILL I SIGNED THE LEASE TO BE A SHITHEAD… but okay.) Whatever. Dumb. I am thrilled for them and not in a jerk way. I made a mistake letting myself be driven from my home, easily, by some stupid Passive aggression. We might be friends had I not been so sensitive over nothing. I never actually Kared for my ex…but tell the 2005 model that.

I went from bad to worse. I left the nice part of the apartments and ended up in the other part. That’s what being a gentleman got me.

I move out to get away from some ridiculousness, sign ANOTHER lease, and it’s with some busted perv. Hashtag my life. Fuck it, even though he lied and was creepy I had so much fun with my friends in that second apartment. I won. He was still a better roommate than the ex. (again, I am not kidding, super happy for them…it was a long time ago)


ShitNickel #2– is some guy that had the nerve to tell the only “whoopsie” bf I ever had that we had sexual contact (of some kind), which hurt, because I thought we were friends.

He was sweet and (apparently) harmless. So are serial killers…

bitch!. You did not! I’ve never traveled anywhere near Austin, TX. Hear me. I never had sex with an A-name Period.** Yes, that is absolutely how it is…Like I wouldn’t know? Fuck you, buddy-ro.

“whoopsie” comes back and tells me-

but when you see red and ask “EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAID?” But He can’t really tell you, and looks away from your insane face,

and doesn’t entirely believe you when you say that never happened, Which was SUPER NOT okay because you DID almost have sex with him! and he knew you better than to let someone lie on you!

I’m over it.

Two nickels next to a dime, you jerks.

Say it to me though.

*One almost had it…but he got lucky once, after testing my sexual patience for TWO YEARS. Adam doesn’t count. Don’t worry about why, I’m telling you, it doesn’t count. Nothing happened.

**when I say whoopsie, I mean it was accidental and we were never any more than good friends. He was a sweetheart who should’ve believed me damn it.**

***I was the only person around that I’d marry and that shit wore me out. I had to get out to find Him***

The Way Back

When I was between 1st and 2nd grade, I was deathly afraid of the dark. What I mean is- I was so freaked out by darkness that at night I would wander off. I would leave our house and start walking, looking for somewhere to hide. Usually, I would end up in the cornfield behind our house.

For the life of me, I cannot understand my logic. I was scared of the dark, so I tried to hide from it… outside… in the dark(?). My Father was (rightly) freaked out by this. More than once, he ran up on me in a panic. Bobby Joe tried to understand my reasoning and never could. Eventually, it got so bad that I broke his temper over it, probably some night when he had to go find me.

My Father was a good parent but very old world tough in a way people are not anymore, especially when it came to fear.

Anyway, he sat me in a room with no light. It was the main bedroom. I was very vocal about my discomfort(that’s me), but there was nowhere to go and nothing to do but face the darkness. For the first time I could remember, my eyes adjusted, and I could see. I never had the patience to wait and see that things were (exactly) the same as during the day. He was just outside the door and came in once the realization hit me. He told me to remember that there was nothing to it. He said something to the effect of, “It’s always dark somewhere.”…something else I couldn’t grasp, but it made me feel better. Dark wasn’t evil; it just was.

It may have been a bit harsh, but I was often difficult to reach. His way was safer. I was facing my fear my way, but a child needs guidance. My way could’ve gotten me kidnapped or killed in some accident.

Cut to Autumn-Winter of 2010-2011, and I’m living in Mars Hill, North Carolina, right near the state line-where we lived on the side of a mountain. My favorite thing to do was hike, particularly at night, particularly after snow. There is nothing in this world like moonlight on snow. It would be midnight or later, and when the moon hit the snow, it lit up, illuminating everything for miles around. It looked like daytime.

I would have missed out on the most beautiful thing I have ever seen if not for Him.

Standing on top of a moonlit snow-covered mountain is exacly where it is.

Happy Trails

Today, I *finally* made my own trail mix.

First time and I freaking killed it.

-Mixed Nuts

-Dried Cherries

-Dark Chocolate Expresso Beans


Oh my God, you guys. It is so freaking good.

***I wanted dried mango but the kind I got from Kroger should not be legal to sale. That shit was nasty.***

Work It

Last night, I was having trouble getting to sleep(Quiet, DEMONS!)and couldn’t relax until I wrote about it. It was insane how I felt before I wrote vs. how I felt after. It’s my go-to and always has been. Crazy stuff happens and my first instinct is to write it down. I’m not calling friends or heading to the club or drinking-I’m looking for a pen. It used to get me in trouble, which may be the reason I still censor myself so harshly. Believe me, if you followed me on Twitter you’d get it.

Anyway, there was something old and wonderful about that feeling…knowing what you’re meant to do. People want me to sell a personal narrative, in all it’s horrible glory. If I’m going to be entirely honest about everything that led me to this point in my life I’m going to be PAID to walk back to that trailer park. You hear me bitch? I said money. There’s also the fact that I don’t want to go down that path. My people are a bunch of bog-monster hill-people…but they are mine and they deserve better from me. That being said, I’m broke and hungry. It’s easy to say what you “won’t do” when your bills are paid. I also love not starving to death.

I’m working on my first novel. There have been countless false starts and half-finished manuscripts, but that is over. I’ve been with this story for a while and it may not be perfect but it is marketable. I don’t know when it will be finished.

My dream, when I was a child and losing every person I loved, was to get out and tell the truth. I wanted boys and girls like me to know that you can get out, that freedom is possible no matter what your jailers say. Then, I got out and got older. I saw people with stories like mine hitting it big, and it seemed wrong to me at least as a career. I love my family… bog-monsters that they are.

There is also the fact that my Parents loved me. My Father was a bad person about me being gay, AND he also loved me in a way that most little gay boys fathers don’t. I had a Brother who loved me. If not for them I’d have put up with a lot more bullshit in my romantic life, as a big ol’ queer. Toxic masculinity does nothing for me and I have never fetishisized straight men.


  1. If he is straight you really need to back off, that shit is gross.
  2. Fem guys are the ones that will wear you out. Look into it! It’s not a joke, it’s a fact.
  3. If he is a staight-acting homo, there’s a good chance that, sexually, he’s a big girl. (Which is 1000% G-R-E-A-T but it isn’t just about him being masculine, right? He has to be a big scary son a bitch who will wreck you like a demolition derby. Grow. Up.)
  4. As a rule, I don’t like gay people sleeping with people who identify as straight because I feel that they’ve given up searching for what they actually want- Love.
  5. You are worth it. You’re worth everything. Don’t settle unless it’s a lawsuit you beautiful bitch.

What was I talking about? I fell off my soapbox…RIGHT! Please please please buy my shit… please.

Even as I write this I know that people will only really like the horrific stuff.

I don’t want to write about the circumstances I came through, I’d much rather create something that will help you escape.

A bitch is running out of time and options.


I could watch the Heart Snatch scene from “Welcome to Storybrooke” on a loop.

Please don’t stand next to the tiger habitat

You see it

You see?


And the best part

Get off my porch



Can we talk??

If you ever need to feel better about your family tree-

Henry’s Grandmother is also his StepSister which makes Emma his Mother as well as his StepNiece…

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!”


I’m watching it now, halfway through, fuck those one star reviews already.

We aren’t even done-and fuck those one star reviews.

It’s worth the price of admission.


Drag that bitch like Janelle Monáe.

“Thank you so much, Rebecca!” like Gabourey Sidibe.


I feel like the only “folks” who want their money back for Antebellum are not very good people.

You showed your ass in that One Star Review. 

The opening scene alone is worth more than that.

Schitty Wok

I love the show

I love the show

But I call bullshit on the Schitt’s Creek finale and I’ll tell you why-

DAVID stopped talking to Patrick-for WEEKS-because he never disclosed a *failed* engagement….(That was never really his business in the first place….)

But He gets to let someone use the manual overdrive on their Wed-ding Day?!


Now, that’s a double standard and those are incorrect.

Unless Patrick got to keep the video… no.

Aww hell, it makes for good T.V.

At least there was no “whiskey” with Jake…


🎶Rowling Rowling🎶

🎶Rowling down the river🎶

Who knew the “K” was for Karen?

Identity is hard, you’d think someone who uses a pen name would be more understanding. I don’t think she has to change her opinion. I think her opinion is wrong.

I’m not trying to convince anyone.

The idea that trans women are a danger to women is offensive. Trans people have the most to fear from their own kind(wherever they are)who will not accept them.

It’s a big deal.

*Trans people need more allies within the gay community. They don’t have our support, that makes them vulnerable.


Once there was a man named “Roy”. He had all the qualities I looked for, then. He was sweet, pretty eyes, pretty smile.

We broke up because I couldn’t keep driving my Ram an hour to his apartment and an hour back to mine. It was around $45…in 2006. It always felt correct, until we got intimate. It made no sense. He was beautiful but I was not there for it. It probably had to do with the fact that-even then-I honestly wish I’d held back on sex until I was married. Yeah- you want to be good at sex, yes- no one likes being called a “Virgin“, what else?!

People are gross and even good sex is brief.

What I don’t understand is why religious people don’t lead off with how dull it can be. Or actively gross…

He was not dull or gross it was just incorrect.

It happens. Not worth it. When stacked against not doing it? no, not worth it. I don’t remember his last name. (Miller?)

Beyond that- even when it’s ‘good’ it drives you or them psycho….or changes the dynamic in some unpleasant way.

Don’t start.

Wait…What was I saying? Oh yeah-

Guard that 🐆.

*********************no judgements. Do what makes you happy, please.*********************

**I will say, SOME men(not“Roy”) feel that dosing a lover’s drink is “not a big deal”. That- by agreeing to date them-you’ve given them your power of attorney. It is a very big fucking deal. Twice. It’s happened at least twice. Thankfully, I’m heavier than I look. They know who they are. But no….People don’t just make you a drink for no reason.

🎶No no no🎶

If men can stand outside bare chested and it not be scandalous then women should have every right and protection to stand outside bare chested.

We all have nipples-WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

You asked the wrong one about breast feeding, sister.

If I could walk around in briefs and sneakers I would….It would cut out a lot of nonsense.

On the other hand I enjoy oversized clothing just as much. (Personally- I like it to be a surprise, but that’s me…secret weapon type stuff, if you will.)

But no, that’s some ol’ bullshit.

Men are terrible.

Workout Playlist Today

(In alphabetical order because my headphones 🎧 save everything that way, deal with it.🇦🇶)

We are just getting started…

Yeah, Alexa won’t play the Jennifer Saunders version of “Holding Out For a Hero”, will she?!


This was taken before TrittHead showed out on Twitter. She’s off the list.

🎶 He ate it with his grill now his diamonds in my coochie🎶

I hate exercise as much as I love not being grotesquely obese.

good music helps.

On Robert Pants I

He was also *MARRIED* before he got *FAMOUS*.

Robert(aka-Spongebob)Pants* is my ex-husband. I don’t know what the “Square” is about…Hollywood…🙄

He’s a good person…except he’s a freaking enchanted cleaning object.

He was the sweetest thing I’d ever met.

He saved me from a rip current near Bikini Atoll and I built that stupid fucking tree-dome…like an idiot. Like an idiot!

We were never right for each another and that’s no one’s fault.

We married in ‘ 94 and split in ’98 when he stopped taking his “equalizers”. His Rock Bottom was a dark place.

I had no choice but to leave when he stopped letting me sleep.

He threatened to move in next to Squidward.

*The same Squidward who has a long-standing order of protection against him.(That can happen when you break into someone’s house EVERY MORNING to watch them sleep.)*

I couldn’t…I came home.

He moved into a pineapple. Next to Squidward.

Ask Squidward, I dare you. He got around it with that slick-ass attorney Nickelodeon paid for-“A fruit doesn’t violate the order” they said. He got around it. They always do.

I swore not to speak to him for that nonsense.

The last time we were in contact my FATHER gave him my PHONE NUMBER before MY WED-DING. (Not funny, Bobby Joe!)

He was over served at a sundae bar…and bring on the drunk texts-

I hate Patrick.”

(I wish I cared.)

“You were right, He’ll never promote me.”

(Duh. Greedy Son of a 🦀)

“I should’ve listened.”

(Duh. And I shouldn’t’ve talked so much, what else?!)

“Gary misses PopPop.”

(Don’t you talk to me about Gary! You never wanted pets, Robert!)

“”It was a moment of weakness!””

(You were a moment of weakness.)

Blah. Blah. Blah…Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit…


So he gets mad I won’t respond and validates my critical thinking skills by showing his yellow ass. We’ll save that bit of nasty for later.

I haven’t been back to the Pacific.

Recently, my ex-husband said some hateful shit about my age on his social media.

I wanted to tell him to go back to his former (better) “dermatologist” because that new work is Bump-Y.

(Sometimes things are expensive, Robert!)

But I’m not going to be that person.

Don’t let him fool you, though.

Robert had sex with my cousin, a-f-t-e-r-wards. I never begrudged him his happiness and he fucks my cousin? Whatever. Men are trash, even the fem ones.

I did send Squidward a deep-sea tanq-rifle for his birthday. She loves me.

I just want everyone to be happy.

Robbie’s a good person but don’t tell him I said anything nice about him.

I hope he’s happy…

and taking his meds.



One thing I never had, or thought I needed, was “good” towels.

Many of you had the good fortune to grow up in a house with good towels or you’ve experienced them in hotels.

I thought a towel was a towel.

This past week, as a last birthday present to myself, I wanted something nice for our home that would make an instant change.

It wasn’t hard to settle on towels… We literally have one that’s worth a damn and it has a spot on it.

I found what I was looking for and got two of them. They were not cheap but inexpensive for what they were.

I was WRONG!

“Oh my God, you guys”

“I’m seriously”


Fuck that sandpaper, bitch, get you some nice towels!

We’re all headed back to the goo-Why not wrap yourself in something soft and enjoy what there is to enjoy before you’re gone and forgotten??


Life is too short for cheap-ass towels…

The Best Sandwich

Is a modified chicken club.

A big hunk of you favorite bread

-Grilled Chicken


-Pepperoni(Let Me Finish!)

-(Light)Pizza style Marina

-Cheese Blend

-Toast that shit up sexy



-Black Olives

-Banana Peppers

-Salt Pepper

-One line of ranch on the way out



Yesterday, I ate something that did not agree with my (sissy) stomach. Guess who was up at 1 and 3? I’m old. I’m an old man.

When I did manage to crawl back into bed I felt a tickle in my nose. What’s that? And my allergies came to visit??


I’m awake Universe, thank you! Damn.

No…yeah, today’s gonna be fucking awesome.

I’m okay, I’m okay…Fortunately it’s just cramps; not diarrhea. You can’t go ANYWHERE with allergies AND diarrhea.

Believe what I am saying, you cannot.