I went at that workout.

Today, my right tricep is on fire.

Because being healthy is pretty new to me, I still have to deal with some baggage from my former lazy thinking.

I have had arthritis since I was 25.

Basically, it’s

Do I want to be perpetually sore?


Do I want my body to turn against me?

It’s fine.

The first thing.


If you haven’t seen the documentary Alison (2016) – Do yourself a favor.

You can Stream on Amazon Prime.

However you get there, it’s a great movie.

Alison Botha.

I am in love.

I could watch stories of survival all damn day.

Show me what you got.


In Breach, I spoke to one aspect of growing up homosexual. Today I’d like to talk to those who are struggling to bear it.


People who grow up next to culture or large cities have a different experience on the whole. Of course, there are those in cities who have it much worse, I am speaking generally.


Gay kids in small towns have to deal with a different level of ridiculousness.


I actually had a girl I thought was my friend tell me that I was gay because I was possessed by a demon. She was a “new convert”, and I had grown up Baptist. Don’t tell me I am possessed by a demon; I find it offensive.  The statement upset me. And when I tried to calmly explain myself to someone who called me a sinner on our SMOKE BREAK, and she still didn’t listen, I gave up on her completely. Of course, by then, I didn’t believe in demons anyway. 





The List
(When there are no other options)

Unless you are Straight Passing-

Don’t let anyone hear you sing.

Don’t let anyone see you dance.

Learn to defend yourself however you can.

Know that you are strong.

Try not to talk.

Never let anyone touch you.

Stay away from whorish or “complicated” straight men.

Learn to parrot the straight men around you, particularly the “soft” ones.

Don’t tell anyone.

You have to wait.

When you can, get out.

Don’t tell anyone. If they don’t straight out betray your confidence, they will tell someone else who will.

If they make you tell lies, be the best at it. You will live Honestly later.

Never lie to Yourself.

Learn everything you can about your surroundings and blend.

Don’t let them send you away.

Running should be the last thing you do without resources.

One Day, You’re going to Wreck the Closet

Don’t Let Them Hurt You.

Just maintain as best as you can. You’re fine the way you are; some people just haven’t come around yet. I know it doesn’t make it better.

We see you.

Fight Back.

A Day


He could barely do three of these

Yoga is not his favorite. It is so good for your body, he isn’t graceful, don’t stand to close.

Then, he Polished off an Apple.

Oh, Snapple

He Never eats enough of the right stuff.

Next, He Went to the Barbershop.

Left Looking Like-


Came back looking like-


He has got to sleep better, but alright.

He fell right off that diet-

Good Stuff. Those fries were not on brand, but yes, I ate all that clucking chicken.

It has been time for Tea-

Cheers to You.

People should get more than the weekend.

Drives are fun, right?

I hope the rest of Your day is good to You and that Your weekend is great.

Thanks for stopping in.



I’ve already grown used to writing in a decent word processor again and it has been a decade since I had one.

I know I could’ve gotten one between then and now, but you know how it is, you think I’ve got this, and WordPad ain’t so bad. It wasn’t so good either.

(Was I the only one who freakin’ loved WordPerfect?)

However, you get there is your business, and the most important thing is to write.

He should’ve known better and gotten his shiz together way before now. Yes, Mother, I know, thank you. I forgot how much I like to make the whole thing pretty. I’ve been hacking away at the page when I know better. That’s not who I am anyway. As mean as he is, he is incredibly delicate.

He likes it when his words look pretty.

That’s alright

He has this foolish notion that he can save people grief if he states something correctly. (…?)

Please don’t waste the amount of time He did.

Prioritize Your Work.

Because You Are Worth It.

It is finally Autumn, you guys.

I’m wearing it out this year. Join Me, Won’t You?


We are headed out west.

Washington Coast

125 Acres

3 residences

Way too much Money.

You love it.

This is the Guest House
Do whatever you want with it, you know I don’t care
She is very Cute
You could film a movie

I’m not showing it to you…yet.

Is now a Wedding Venue ($$$)
and I better not hear a thing about it.
A Workshop
“I don’t know what that is…”
We’re putting a tub here.

Are you ready?

We’re going in.

The Main House
Normal McAverage


Wear Them Out for their Doubt
Show Them Who You Are
It has been SO long since I had a decent bath. Years. (Don’t you cry, Bitch, you better pretend you’re fine.)
Rolling in the grass like a child
Where are we?
Washington or Norway?
There We Are.

Thank You for Stopping By.

You Rock.

Seriously, go to sleep.

Or Wake Up!


Thank You.



Tonight we are going to

New York

8 Acres

Join me, won’t you?

I see you, Fierceness
She is a Pretty Girl
Oh Damn
I like everything but the furniture.
It is so busy, those walls should be CREAM. I’m behaving. You put the RED marble in the DINNING ROOM. Everyone knows that.
I told you I’d get you that Kitchen. If you don’t like it do whatever you like, you know I don’t care.
White would’ve been alright here.
You Got me POOL??!?
So this will look like a war zone for a minute but yes it can be saved. Blue and White? Whatever…
What are we doing with this? because we are NOT. While I grew up in a single-wide, we are not keeping a bowling alley in our home. Two Words- Trampoline Park

Clap On

Clap Off-

We’ll get there.

You don’t know.

Except ours will be prettier, you watch.


Come with me, won’t you?

We’re going to Virginia.

60 some-odd acres.

I said Hide-and-Seek!
Come On
Show Me What You Got
Good Night
I love that, I NEED IT!
those windows!
Eat it, Martha Stewart
Get out of my Room, Please.
DAMN I Love This
This is my Favorite
You was over there and I was over here. That was the deal
Needs to be redone but, the cheekbones
Meet me Outside, Dear
Not in the Garden that the Gods forgot (Without a Wall?)
Not the Garage
Getting Warmer
There We Are

But does it have a Steam Room?


Going into fifth grade my Father married our Stepmother and we moved into the city. Calling Slocomb a city is like calling Dothan “Birmingham”. Trust me, that killed in Alabama.

We’d been living on my Father’s bosses property in a trailer that belonged to us.

We had love if nothing else.

When our Stepmother entered the picture, all our lives changed for the better. She was not what you would call “nice”, but She remains one of the best people I know. She is a truly good person, and I can never be mad about it. We fought like hell over some serious shit, but she is not messing around and neither am I. She does NOT get the amount of credit she deserves for making all our lives better just by existing.

I didn’t need Tyler Perry to sound off to know what it was like having an old school person ranting about the bullshit of today, that was my life, and I loved it. (We love you, Tyler Perry.)

She could make you cry from laughing.

Alright, so when my Stepmother found us eating out of that Pizza Hut dumpster- I’m Kidding!

We moved into the city right at the end of 4th Grade.

The weeks leading up to my departure, the other kids tried to convince me to stay. My Parents let us choose. My Brother chose Slocomb, so I chose Slocomb not knowing that it was two campuses.

The kids in my class did everything they could to keep me there. I thought they were being ridiculous and frankly I thought since my housing situation had gotten better that I would naturally be around better people. I didn’t say it.

Slowly, the kids lost their resolve.

They started shutting me out. They wouldn’t play with me. They wouldn’t speak to me.

By the last day I was so irritated that when Mrs. Faye said I could leave I stood up and walked out without a word.

The Second kid in roll call was the only one to look at me in disbelief.

Rustin, I love your country ass.


Shut up, Chanzy

Me not saying anything was odd. I don’t know why I did it. We were (mostly) friends and most of it was hard-earned on my part.

The Teacher followed me out to the car, because they used to give a shit about you.

She had brown eyes,

“Are you sure?”

I just sat there, and we left.

If I could see what was about to happen, I never would’ve left Poplar Springs, or the CLASS I would’ve eventually Graduated with.

I would miss all of them very much.

They knew everything and loved me.

Don’t take people for granted, is the point of that one.


Where I come from, the laws women’s reproductive health were archaic.

When I was very young the only women who had access to birth control were married women. That is some toxic male bullshit meant to keep Women in line.

What I am sick of seeing are all of these nasty comments like- “You should’ve waited until you got married.”, or more likely, some nasty insult sanctioned by their religious beliefs. Beliefs that they have warped to fit their own opinions.

Because they have been taught to see their bodies and minds as inherently evil, they go around spewing that self-hatred and frustration onto everyone who doesn’t agree with their version of the truth.

Forced Abstinence doesn’t work. Abstinence leads to growing rates of STDs and unplanned pregnancies.

Abstinence cannot account for sexual violence, making women guilty in their own worst nightmare.

Personally, I wish I hadn’t had sex until I got married.

That is a personal preference based on My Experience.

It certainly don’t think it works for most people.

People say, “If you can have sex then you can have a kid.”, without acknowledging that your body is reacting normally to stimulation and it’s perfectly natural and




We get it!-You’ve been forced to override your instincts and see everything as sinful. That is a tragedy and I’m sorry… you may never recover. That is heartbreaking.

What I am going to need you to do is get your ignorant mitts off the Women’s Healthcare, please.

Thank you, Timothy… That is all.

Men have no right discussing or ruling on Women’s Rights.

Women’s Reproductive Rights are Basic Human Rights.


More than once at the Assembly Church, they’d run out of oil in the “fancy” bottle, and they’d break out that Piggly Wiggly Brand Olive Oil.

Yes, they did. Yes, they did!
They absolutely did that-With-the BS Tongues
They scared the hell outta me.
Baptists annoyed me
The Assembly Scared me
Methodists Bored me
The Lutherans almost had me, that drag is fabulous.

I converted at least 50 people. Oh, that one hurts.
No. No.
Because They could have found themselves just fine without my interference and in MANY cases, Their pain would be better treated by FacinG I-T. And I knew that. But he did not. He thought he was helping. And they did keep a tally, now. I brought down the original number because it bummed me out.

Those people never met.
Home Chanzy School Chanzy.

Christian Chanzy was a foul motherfucker.

And I’m only referring to Church shit.

I believe in (for lack of a better word) “God”.
I don’t know anything else.

I don’t wanna hear!

Don’t care.

And if it’s not real?

Well, shit.

Time just keeps rolling…until it doesn’t.

I will see you again.

Fuck it, right?

I spent my early life dedicated to the Christian Church.

It was an escape from home and school.

I had a genuine love and admiration for the Creator.

One Day,
Someone explained that magic wasn’t real.

I said, “What about religion?”

They didn’t say. Or couldn’t convince me once I got started. “Oh, it’s fake.” was my horrified thought. Not that it was all fake, but that my own personal experience was horseshit.
On that dirt road off that county road in the depths of the Alabamian Lowlands.

I knew how crazy the insides of those places got, and excused it because we were family.

Oh fuck.

I could’ve been an acrobat.

I can’t think about it anymore.

Good Lord.


I just need my classmates to acknowledge that I would’ve won.


I need to hear you say it.

They were all Human, I was only PART Human.

I could survive outside and it was the law, y’all.

It would have been a different movie.

If I had to I would’ve tried to get everyone at once before they realized what was up but I’m sure they want to see people squirm so I’d have to be sweet.

I could go brutal but more likely I’d play the same role I always did until right before I didn’t.

Two Words-

“Right Here.”

One of the Girls could’ve beat me. She would need to be gone quick. If it’s the sequel, I hope we’re partners. I would have MUCH rather escaped but you know they would’ve shot us anyway. Please! No. They would not leave before it was over. THERE’S YOUR FICTION.

You don’t even know, I still love this movie so much.

If you have never, then you better.

Battle Royale, watch the Extended Cut.

It was so good.

It is still good.

Worst. Geography Class. EVUR-Uh!


I met Ron Jeremy at the FAIRFIELD INN in Dothan. There was a Courtyard right next door. …..Budgets.

I had not seen any of his movies but I had seen Orgazmo. (*Have not. Woof)

I knew I recognized him, which I’m sure he gets a LoT. He said, “I’m an actor.” Kinda defensively. I didn’t like him.

He seemed (genuinely) mean.

I am a crazy person, and he freaked me out. And I’m unbothered by Sex Workers or Sex Work. For what it’s worth.

I didn’t know his trade. When he left the desk I just thought he was unattractive in a way that had nothing to do with his looks.

And, by the way, I never asked.


My mind lets go of it,

I had a weird dream about a big metal building that was in the snow.

I assume Antarctica.

I was broken and odd. I remembered it initially but I don’t think I got to it quick enough.

I want a good one.

I’m just saying it’s been a WHILE since my last red dream.


I saw these when they came out


It changed my Life

“How ’bout Some Ice?”

It was with my favorite roommate. We could not get over Her.

My Favorite Comedy is where a normal person is driven to go off.

I love it.



Here’s a question-

How (in the world) does wanting to sleep with someone who’s more masculine make you less gay?

I’ll wait.

That is incorrect.

I once overheard a boy say, “It isn’t gay if it’s Chanzy.”

It made me angry. Everything makes me angry but that one I remember.

It cannot be “less gay”.

That’s freaking ridiculous.

Too bad the straights won’t just admit that they’re sometimes curious, but since we don’t live in Dreamland, we have to watch them put all kinds of barriers between them and their (natural) curiosity.

I cannot.


I came out to a friend’s Mother and She said,

“That’s wonderful, here’s some cake.”

At which point I was presented with chocolate cake.

She was also the person who figured out that red was my color.

I didn’t even know.

I have had different coming out experiences, hear me, HAVE HAD DIFFERENT COMING OUT EXPERIENCES.


I am freaked out over Afghanistan.

People think I’m all Rah-Rah but no, that was a fiasco. I’m a patriot, not a moron. Just in case you were wondering, I’m just trying to behave.

It never should’ve happened.

I cannot think about the Women or my Brothers and Sisters, and I CERTAINLY cannot think about the Soldiers.

I don’t know, I don’t know about any of it.

It isn’t like we didn’t have the time or resources.

Again– That never should have happened. (BUSH)

We can’t focus on anything now but the future.

If the people of Afghanistan ever forgive America know that it will be undeserved.

Please don’t start with me.


Amazing Grace Faith Fellowship

Google that shit, if you ever wonder.

I was part of the 1st congregation.

And I helped recruit people who I assume still go there.

I really wanted to behave.

Please understand, I truly believed the bullshit about being cured.

But no. Assembly ain’t scared this Bitch.

You better come correct.

With your fake-ass tongues, you are not ready for this.

I do not care.

I don’t even know the things I used to scripture-wise because that space is being used for more useful information, but whatever.

Shit, other churches would try to recruit me out from under my home church and I still didn’t leave until the preacher’s kid and I got into it.

I really really really wanted to be “good”.

I may be wrong, but I think I’m good now. (ish) Everyone has to feel like a hero, or they couldn’t bear this nonsense, but yeah, I think so.

Especially now that I’ve learned some psychology


I’m behaving.

I am not anti-religion, I am anti-people who pretend to be religious because it gives them an excuse to be a dick.

Sell It Down The River, Martha.


I keep thinking I’m 30 even though I am aware that I’m not.

People in their late 20’s are alright.

I usually think they’re only a couple of years off, right?

Try SEVEN, you Haggard-Ass Bitch.

He’s Fine.

He is thrilled with every bit of time He gets. And I face the aging thing hard. Everyone in my family acted like their looks were GONE when they turned 30, even though they’ve held up for decades. I resolved not to feel that way early. As soon as my mind lets me feel it, I fight back as hard as I can (and I always will), but I know I’ve just gotta go with some of it.


I don’t hate time. I’ve never looked like this or been this happy, and I mean to ride it as long as I can. It feels like I’m just getting started. We’ll see.

I need to be that Hot Old Man, please.

(side rant-What kind of time joke is it that the minute I become comfortable dancing is the exact moment I got to the age where you never want some rando to see you dancing, well or otherwise? Ain’t THAT a bitch? I can’t. I’ll keep to the shadows, but I will be dancing as long as my feet allow. I was going to wear baggy clothes, but if I don’t lean into my build, people won’t engage. It’s fine. You have to be very beautiful to have people watching just your face; I am not a percentage of that bitch. I have trouble looking like I’m having fun. It’s very militant. and if I don’t stay sucked in, it looks like Pregnant Jazzercise, but yeah.)

I was worried I’d like a certain type (young) when I got older; it seemed to be a recurring theme with men. I’ll tell you what, your tastes age with you.

Conrad Grayson in a speedo that is all I am saying. Conrad Grayson in a speedo.

I could die HAPPY.


Only one person would really make me happy in a speedo, and he won’t wear one.

I have tried!

But because it will make me happy, you know. Thanks a lot, Gay Marriage.

That poor man gets it unfiltered.

He loves it.

It’s fine.

He’s fine.


This made my day.

No, I’m not jealous, you are jealous.

Is He? Yes, he is.

Working Those High Waisted Jeans.

With Zero Fear.

The Audacity.

No, I am not jealous.

May I call him “Great White Shirt”?


May I call him “Jeans”?




Eyes on the Target.

I wish he was about… 37, but other than that.

I know it’s selfish. Whatever.


My Birthday is next week.

Every year before my Birthday, I get stressed.

It is weird because I love being alive and I’m prouder every year.

It’s a weird anxiety thing.

Last year, it was so bad I was passing blood.

This year, I’m just overly anxious.

It is an improvement.

I’ll never be satisfied with my (own) efforts, but I have been trying much harder, and this year, I can feel it.

“Maybe, next year, I’ll just be happy.”-He laughed like Amy Poehler.


I have to exercise before I get in the tub!

I keep forgetting and I can’t put it off!


As Shelley Long once said.

He was so tired and grouchy this morning he broke down and drank coffee.

Yeah, today is MARVELOUS.

And now I have to SWEAT.

He’s fine, it’s fine.

I just want to live.


  1. I am so sorry and I’ve been sorry since it happened.

This is something I meant to do long before now. I saw something happen and I never said anything to anyone. I saw this happen with my own eyes. Here we go. 

One day, near the end of a school year (or a break), the other kids and I were killing time. We were all in groups doing various time-killing activities. 

We were in my favorite class. What made it my favorite was the subject matter and the HOT AS FIRE teacher. We all wanted to bang him. TO A PERSON, we all wanted some of that. Don’t start. I wanted him to take me home and keep me under the bed. He was the spank bank for almost a year-and-a-half.

So we are all sitting around talking, and the teacher started passing notes with a hard-looking pretty girl. Of course, I saw it, and– I knew what was up. If anything, I was jealous I couldn’t get his attention like that. Needless to say, I didn’t see what was really happening because I didn’t actually understand that they were not joking.

That shit went on for a minute, and it was escalating, evidenced by the smiling and flushing.

Alright, it’s about to get rough. 

There were only two boys in my class who had it worse than me. One had been the “loser” since freaking Kindergarten. I think it was because his hair was VERY red. I wish I were kidding. I could never see anything wrong with him except that he wanted their respect. You can’t care about people like that. The Other was a boy somehow unfortunate enough to grow up out in the woods like I did, without ever moving “in town”, without an ounce of muscle and without my unearned confidence. You fuckers were EVIL. And I did not help.

The Ginger was with me in this class and had noticed the same thing.

When the girl went to pass the note back to the teacher, he snatched it and tried to read it.

The man I had thought was attractive stood up, red-faced and backed this kid (under his PROTECTION) across the room and up against the freaking WALL, all the while screaming in his face.

He started so slow I thought he was going to jump on him, he jumped and spun around casually and confidently-


In his Face-


The kid is red everywhere, instinctively looking away, trying to disappear-


The back of his head hit the wall, hard-


The last part was the loudest-


First of all, we were in MiDDle SCHOOL, not Highschool, but alright. That mess was traumatic just to witness. He was macking on an eighth-grader.

I wish he would try the 34-year-old me.

You may not know this, but one thing I cannot stand is when strong people use that strength to harm weaker people instead of shielding them, which is why people are made strong in the first place.

Brutality has its place, and this was not it.

That I ever thought this man was attractive was immediately disorienting.

He actually had the nerve to sit right back down across from the girl. 

I couldn’t stop looking at him. 

I couldn’t even look in the direction of the kid. 

I understand he was disrespectful, but what this man was doing was beyond disrespectful and his reaction to his anger was unacceptable, to say the least, especially because it was him knowing he was guilty.

He saw me staring at him and gave me a mean look, thinking I’d melt or something.

I looked him dead in the face and said something topical and cutting. He got sour and clamped down on it. I couldn’t take him but I also knew that if he tried that nonsense with me he would have been fucked by the end of the day.

All I would have to do was tell the truth.

But it was already over.

(come to think about it, I did tell my Dad, basically trying to get him to do me a favor and beat his ass, but when he realized I hadn’t been threatened, and I hadn’t actually tried to intervene, he checked out. He basically said if I really wanted him to hurt him I would’ve jumped on him myself. No, I get it. I was right there. When I was describing the scene I told the truth about what I saw. He said, “He turned his back to you?” I had the shot, I just didn’t take it. That was the type if mess I was specifically supposed to prevent, especially with the weak. I had every bit of permission to berserk on evil shit, regardless of the situation, and I just didn’t. I assume it was because I liked him. And his reaction to a minor had frightened me on two fronts.)

I regret not throwing some desks. 

Is the main regret of that piece. 

He would never have done it to a popular kid or a kid with any friends, period.

What had happened was he’d been inappropriate with one student in a flirtatious manner and physically (and verbally) assaulted the other.

THAT is what happened.

Always be good, if you can.

Rank Up on those Dead-Eyed Bastards.

It is all they understand.

Being strong is meaningless if you can’t get your hands dirty.

Learn from my failure, It will never be okay.

It won’t.

It will not.

It will never be okay.


BopBop has to catch up in the Office, but he loves you and he will be available again soon.


I Think

When I get Home, I’m going to put on of my old teachers on blast.

He freaked outing a “loser“ kid because no one cared, but I was standing right there.

I didn’t say anything then but I didn’t have to,

I got it.

No, I got it.

Fuck you, “it’s too late”.

It’s never to late.

Vengeance has no expiration date.

What did you learn?

Tell Me

You Love Me

This Was My SHIT

First of all I freaking Loved the Fear Street Books. I read this in the 90’s. It was just better.

I’m looking at Netflix, they’re going into the backstory.

I don’t think I’m watching it but damn that’s nice.

Like when I started Game of Thrones right before it premiered. I had no clue.

You should read them, it’s pretty solid for a kid’s book.

No. Listen.

It’s a blood feud where there isn’t a “good side”

I would wash that man’s feet with my tongue.



What is that dance move called where someone leans back and furiously kicks as high as possible, straight up in the air?

I’d like to suggest “the Omega”.

It is a finishing move.

That is fucking magic.

If you’ve ever seen it you have been blessed. And you have lost.

I don’t know how you keep from hitting the ground.

Two Words- I WISH

I can do all kinds of shit on a trampoline but I will hit the floor so quick over footwork.

He growled like the monster he is.

I can legit belly dance , and that shit is HARD.

That fucking hurts.

They should teach everyone early.

Tonight’s Movie

Will be

Friday the 13th (1980)


Join us, won’t you?

(That was a messed up movie.)

The first time a guy caught my attention his name was Jason.


If you don’t count that babysitter I took a nap on.

Listen, I was in 1st grade. He was napping, it looked comfortable, what can I say?

I sort of ended up on the poor guys chest. And I did not move when we woke up.

He was so freaked out.

Michael? I wanna say his name was Michael?

He was literally, “I didn’t do anything!”

Me- “Oh my God, I know.”

I would not have said a word!

I’m behaving.

There was nothing sexual about that, except that I did find him handsome.

That’s right… I flipped it on him.


I don’t know how I know, but Female Sex Workers (most Sex Workers) have no time for homosexual men.

I thought it was the “no business” aspect.

It’s because the Homos will beat any price.*

I don’t know how I know, but it’s true.

(Or you know, whatever, if I gotta go there.)

(One day I’m going full OFF and I’m going to lose some of you. I loved you and I’ll always be happy I had your attention for a minute. You’re freaking Amazing. Darling.)


After Highschool I found a home with my Gay Family in Dothan.

What I never realized until recently was I have more contact with Black People in Slocomb.

Our school hadn’t been integrated long, but it was split pretty evenly. Teachers still dogged out Black and Hispanic kids.

Slocomb was half segregated, and Dothan was probably worse.

Out of school, I never really met any Black LGBTQIA People (Excluding performers). I assumed that is was because they did not have the freedom I did to express themselves.

That wasn’t it.

There were plenty of every sort of person.

The fact is a lot of the gay people where I am from are racist as a way to go along with the straights.

We all have to deal with plenty without preying on each other. There is no reason, and what we know better than to use are excuses. The straights can claim ignorance, we always know better.

Straights have the numbers to play with that nonsense.

We can’t.

WE cannot.


It was tenth grade(?). My acne was finally easing off, it had me four solid years. I was about 16. I was in my bathroom having a panic attack.

I couldn’t even settle into my clear face because my body started to swell. And I got oily again, leading to more flare ups.

I just kept growing. Everywhere, I remember being scrawny. I was adorable then -BAM- a mean-looking lumberjack began sleeping in my bed.

I just felt fat. All people talk about is how much you weigh, and when I hit 190 I began to freak out. At first I just looked ripped, then the muscle didn’t stop growing. EVERYWHERE. My Shoulders have always looked like this, and my neck.

I thought I was by myself and let it out.

He was home and came in freaking out


I was already gone so I kept going,

“I was the heaviest kid in class!”

That fucking HURT.

He looked at me.

I motioned at my Frankenstein body, “it’s my LEGS.”

He said, “How much did you weigh?”

I told Him the truth.

He was astonished, then smiled and started laughing. He brightened up,

“You’re not fat. …It’s muscle.”

He never told me I “wasn’t fat”.

(It’s a great way to keep your kid humble. You know your parents fat-shamed you too Bitch we do not have time to pretend.)

It still looked gruesome to me. I looked scary. Like a monster. A full grown scary-ass looking man. I wanted to find that. Stepping into it was disorienting.

He kept me sane that day,

“Look at your arms, look at your shoulders.”

Something shifted, and I could see. I’m not tall,but I did have the body type I found attractive (then). I wanted to meet a guy who looked like that, not be that guy but, you know.

I still wasn’t sold, it was so much weight, and it did not help when the boys in my class figured it out. I was SO ASHAMED. Now that I look back, they weren’t freaked out that I was “so fat” but that they had no idea I was so heavy. I’ve always been heavier but when it came at puberty was rough. There was a period in my Late 20’s where I was concerned about the amount of muscle that came. I’m heading toward another one now.

“I haven’t met anyone who weighs as much as me who isn’t very fat.”

He said- “How is that a problem?”

My Grandfather and Great-Grandfather were thick like me.

Fact-I never know what my temperature or weight will be. It changes so regularly it’s impossible to guess. It’s always been that way.


North of Boston

I don’t know why I do this to You or myself.

Pump Your Brakes

Some parts of it seem off, but it has got the Bone Structure, Honey.

That is where it’s at.
There it is.
“It’s my new Day Room”
Fireplaces evarywhere
I think I’d live right there.
There’s Your Kitchen, Baby!
You’re Damned Right
I want that, please.
I think this is all the Master.

I cannot go on.

I know this is terrible, but if there isn’t an interior pool with a view of the ocean, I’m out.

But you know there’s one.

And Hopefully A salt or mineral bath with a STEAM ROOM, but alright.

Those trees lining the Driveway are a mess.

And I’d bring down anything useless that took away from the look.

That GARAGE looks fucking tacky. Pardon me, but fuck her. It’s the roof, no I don’t know how to fix it but I’d figure it out.