It was tenth grade(?). My acne was finally easing off, it had me four solid years. I was about 16. I was in my bathroom having a panic attack.

I couldn’t even settle into my clear face because my body started to swell. And I got oily again, leading to more flare ups.

I just kept growing. Everywhere, I remember being scrawny. I was adorable then -BAM- a mean-looking lumberjack began sleeping in my bed.

I just felt fat. All people talk about is how much you weigh, and when I hit 190 I began to freak out. At first I just looked ripped, then the muscle didn’t stop growing. EVERYWHERE. My Shoulders have always looked like this, and my neck.

I thought I was by myself and let it out.

He was home and came in freaking out


I was already gone so I kept going,

“I was the heaviest kid in class!”

That fucking HURT.

He looked at me.

I motioned at my Frankenstein body, “it’s my LEGS.”

He said, “How much did you weigh?”

I told Him the truth.

He was astonished, then smiled and started laughing. He brightened up,

“You’re not fat. …It’s muscle.”

He never told me I “wasn’t fat”.

(It’s a great way to keep your kid humble. You know your parents fat-shamed you too Bitch we do not have time to pretend.)

It still looked gruesome to me. I looked scary. Like a monster. A full grown scary-ass looking man. I wanted to find that. Stepping into it was disorienting.

He kept me sane that day,

“Look at your arms, look at your shoulders.”

Something shifted, and I could see. I’m not tall,but I did have the body type I found attractive (then). I wanted to meet a guy who looked like that, not be that guy but, you know.

I still wasn’t sold, it was so much weight, and it did not help when the boys in my class figured it out. I was SO ASHAMED. Now that I look back, they weren’t freaked out that I was “so fat” but that they had no idea I was so heavy. I’ve always been heavier but when it came at puberty was rough. There was a period in my Late 20’s where I was concerned about the amount of muscle that came. I’m heading toward another one now.

“I haven’t met anyone who weighs as much as me who isn’t very fat.”

He said- “How is that a problem?”

My Grandfather and Great-Grandfather were thick like me.

Fact-I never know what my temperature or weight will be. It changes so regularly it’s impossible to guess. It’s always been that way.

Published by Chanzy

No One from Nowhere

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