2 Nickels

If I had a nickel for every time a full-grown person said they’d had sex with me when they did not, I’d have ten cents.

ShitNickel #1– was a nasty-old-man-roommate. I rent a room to because he had a VEHICLE and I did not.

He flat out lied on me, and his daughter is smiling at me like she knows something, and you go into your church voice and say, “nothing ever happened“, but she isn’t sold.

And you want to beat. His. LYIN’. ASS.

But your family is poor, and you can’t afford to fight it.

That man never got within spitting distance of me. He was gross and didn’t care for his come-ons. No…I don’t want to go to that disgusting nudist cruise-park in the middle of the Panhandle Wilderness-THANKS!

He knew how I felt and lied on my virtue anyway?


I was hurting at the time, but not that much.

I tried to make my “move out” experience with a guy I knew had designs on my (finally)EX-boyfriend. I was trying to get over him, then ended up seeing him constantly. Yeah. I’m a fucking moron. And he wanted me to be funny, and he didn’t get why I wasn’t thrilled to see him. (Also-New Coke sure waited TILL I SIGNED THE LEASE TO BE A SHITHEAD… but okay.) Whatever. Dumb. I am thrilled for them and not in a jerk way. I made a mistake letting myself be driven from my home, easily, by some stupid Passive aggression. We might be friends had I not been so sensitive over nothing. I never actually Kared for my ex…but tell the 2005 model that.

I went from bad to worse. I left the nice part of the apartments and ended up in the other part. That’s what being a gentleman got me.

I move out to get away from some ridiculousness, sign ANOTHER lease, and it’s with some busted perv. Hashtag my life. Fuck it, even though he lied and was creepy I had so much fun with my friends in that second apartment. I won. He was still a better roommate than the ex. (again, I am not kidding, super happy for them…it was a long time ago)


ShitNickel #2– is some guy that had the nerve to tell the only “whoopsie” bf I ever had that we had sexual contact (of some kind), which hurt, because I thought we were friends.

He was sweet and (apparently) harmless. So are serial killers…

bitch!. You did not! I’ve never traveled anywhere near Austin, TX. Hear me. I never had sex with an A-name Period.** Yes, that is absolutely how it is…Like I wouldn’t know? Fuck you, buddy-ro.

“whoopsie” comes back and tells me-

but when you see red and ask “EXACTLY WHAT THEY SAID?” But He can’t really tell you, and looks away from your insane face,

and doesn’t entirely believe you when you say that never happened, Which was SUPER NOT okay because you DID almost have sex with him! and he knew you better than to let someone lie on you!

I’m over it.

Two nickels next to a dime, you jerks.

Say it to me though.

*One almost had it…but he got lucky once, after testing my sexual patience for TWO YEARS. Adam doesn’t count. Don’t worry about why, I’m telling you, it doesn’t count. Nothing happened.

**when I say whoopsie, I mean it was accidental and we were never any more than good friends. He was a sweetheart who should’ve believed me damn it.**

***I was the only person around that I’d marry and that shit wore me out. I had to get out to find Him***

Published by Chanzy

He's a mess. What else?

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