On Robert Pants I

He was also *MARRIED* before he got *FAMOUS*.

Robert(aka-Spongebob)Pants* is my ex-husband. I don’t know what the “Square” is about…Hollywood…🙄

He’s a good person…except he’s a freaking enchanted cleaning object.

He was the sweetest thing I’d ever met.

He saved me from a rip current near Bikini Atoll and I built that stupid fucking tree-dome…like an idiot. Like an idiot!

We were never right for each another and that’s no one’s fault.

We married in ‘ 94 and split in ’98 when he stopped taking his “equalizers”. His Rock Bottom was a dark place.

I had no choice but to leave when he stopped letting me sleep.

He threatened to move in next to Squidward.

*The same Squidward who has a long-standing order of protection against him.(That can happen when you break into someone’s house EVERY MORNING to watch them sleep.)*

I couldn’t…I came home.

He moved into a pineapple. Next to Squidward.

Ask Squidward, I dare you. He got around it with that slick-ass attorney Nickelodeon paid for-“A fruit doesn’t violate the order” they said. He got around it. They always do.

I swore not to speak to him for that nonsense.

The last time we were in contact my FATHER gave him my PHONE NUMBER before MY WED-DING. (Not funny, Bobby Joe!)

He was over served at a sundae bar…and bring on the drunk texts-

I hate Patrick.”

(I wish I cared.)

“You were right, He’ll never promote me.”

(Duh. Greedy Son of a 🦀)

“I should’ve listened.”

(Duh. And I shouldn’t’ve talked so much, what else?!)

“Gary misses PopPop.”

(Don’t you talk to me about Gary! You never wanted pets, Robert!)

“”It was a moment of weakness!””

(You were a moment of weakness.)

Blah. Blah. Blah…Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit…


So he gets mad I won’t respond and validates my critical thinking skills by showing his yellow ass. We’ll save that bit of nasty for later.

I haven’t been back to the Pacific.

Recently, my ex-husband said some hateful shit about my age on his social media.

I wanted to tell him to go back to his former (better) “dermatologist” because that new work is Bump-Y.

(Sometimes things are expensive, Robert!)

But I’m not going to be that person.

Don’t let him fool you, though.

Robert had sex with my cousin, a-f-t-e-r-wards. I never begrudged him his happiness and he fucks my cousin? Whatever. Men are trash, even the fem ones.

I did send Squidward a deep-sea tanq-rifle for his birthday. She loves me.

I just want everyone to be happy.

Robbie’s a good person but don’t tell him I said anything nice about him.

I hope he’s happy…

and taking his meds.


Published by Chanzy

He's a mess. What else?

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